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April 14, 2014



How do I Get my Mate Into Bondage

Wow — this is a question I get a lot! There are a few things you need to do and know when you finally muster the courage and decide to tell your significant other that 1.) You enjoy aspects of bondage and / or S/M. and 2.) You’d like them to play along. Well, the first part is hard enough. I’ll assume for a moment that you haven’t told your mate and you’re still waiting for the right moment to bring it up.

Some of us aren’t quite so lucky as to be blessed with «falling into it». Master and I, for example, took quite a while to work bondage into our relationship. Even now, years later, we are still getting to know each other’s desires and needs. That’s one of the exciting things about BDSM — there always seems to be a new game to play. How can sex — much less the relationship — get boring when there’s always too much fun to be had? *g* We can never get enough of each other (I’ll pause here to let you get your stomach contents back in order! *g*) and bondage has definitely made our relationship stronger. So… how do you bring it up then? That’s a tricky subject best given a few helpful hints and then I’ll leave the rest up to you. It’s not a cop-out; you know your mate better than I do and you’ll have to determine their mood among other things to make sure the time is right to bring it up. The helpful hints I can offer however are:

  • Don’t bring up the subject when either of you are stressed about something — especially if it’s about your relationship. Even if you feel that bondage could «fix» any problems you might be having in your relationship, you’re best off waiting until everybody is cooled down. Bringing it up now — even if they’re receptive to the idea — may not be the best time. Your mate will most likely feel pressured to save the relationship and will see bondage not as the loving, trusting relationship building activity it is, but rather as something they’d better do or risk losing you. In the long run, this is guaranteed to blow up in your face…
  • Make sure it’s in a situation where you feel your chances are best for a positive response. In other words, pick the time and place. Make sure your mate won’t feel self conscious or pressured or the answer you get might be no even if they are interested in BDSM too. Remember, they might be feeling strange about their desires and it may be hard for them to admit they like bdsm. I myself, felt wrong for having the desires that I do until I learned that lots of people have the same desires. It doesn’t make me any weaker for wanting to be a submissive and it doesn’t reflect poorly on my character either. It’s just a part of who I am and it may be a part of who you or they are too. You’ll never know until you discuss it a bit.
  • For the best response, I’d suggest trying something simple and non-threatening during sex. If you’d like to Dom/me, try holding your lover’s hands down while you pleasure them. Watch their reactions. If you’d rather be submissive, take the submissive role by allowing your partner to control the action. Make sure you let them know during the act how excited you are by it. They’ll love being able to drive you wild. (Ego gratification is always a great reinforcement!) Talk about it a bit afterwards. Not too much unless they want to — don’t be pushy. Reinforce how much you liked it or liked doing it. See what you can find out about how they like it. It make take a few times for you (or your partner) to feel comfortable about talking about it, if even just to say that it was good! Don’t get discouraged!
  • Try bartering. In other words, trade them for something they’d like to try. She’ll let you tie her up if you do something for him or her like no one else has ever done before (and he or she will be back for more if you hold up your end of the bargain! *g*). You’ll wear that something special if he’ll tie you up or let you slap his ass during sex… Tit for Tat as they say. (I know, I know… «In that case, Tat.«) If things go well, don’t bring out the hood and the leather locking cuffs just yet. Our «tools of the trade» may be sexy to us, but they may appear quite intimidating to a beginner. Work your way into the leather and steel cuffs, gags and blindfolds by gently tying with household items such as scarves, stockings or a bathrobe belt. Something non-threatening that looks totally spontaneous is the key. That’s a lot more fun than being surprised by leather or steel cuffs that you can’t escape from. Remember, trust is a key issue. Even if you have been married for years and know each other well, you’ve never tried this with them before and how are they going to enjoy themselves when they are unsure of what you’re going to do next? A little surprise and some butterflies from the thrill of something new are sexy — too much suspense is scary. Once you’ve built the trust, then you can start building your collection. Who knows — maybe he or she will even ask for something special!

Well, I’ve finally got them tied up (or I’m finally tied up) — so now what?

Oddly enough, it’s sometimes hard to know what to do next. You may have so many butterflies in your stomach or just be too excited to know what to do next to keep this train on it’s tracks. Just enjoy yourself and make certain your partner enjoys themselves so they’ll be back for more! Be responsive to their desires. Sometimes this is harder said than done since some people have a hard time expressing themselves whether or not their gagged and bound! (Sometimes, people find it easier to let go when they are gagged and bound! *g*). Be careful not to be too pushy whether you’re the Dom/me (too much bondage at first, too many orders, etc.) or the sub (tie me like this, spank me, whip me, do this, etc.). This can sour your partner as fast as anything. Unless you’ve already discussed it, it’s best not to, say, put her in a hogtie and whip her. The best thing to do is discuss your wants, needs and desires. Not all at once mind you. Take it slow like everything else. I’m into SO much more now that I ever even thought I could be. Things that would have frightened me when we first started are wonderfully exciting to me know. Patience has it’s rewards and something your mate may not be into now may sound very interesting to them when put in the right context. (When they do try it, make them cum the hardest they’ve ever cum before and they’ll DEFINITELY be back for more! *g*)

Well, that’s a short primer…there’s lots more you can learn from either the Dom/me or sub point of view, but lots of it is common sense, and some are just things you pick up along the way with experience. I also have many books and beginners videos as well as a beginner bondage page that has some nice, non-threatening and sexy soft bondage gear for you to get started with. (Master and I still use a lot of soft bondage gear depending on our mood or the situation!) Eventually, you may even take your mate to my site where you can browse through articles and product descriptions to get a feeling for how BDSM is really all about trust, caring for one another and most of all FUN! Maybe they’d like to browse it on their own to see what’s what in this big, sometimes scary world of BDSM.

Many people have an incorrect impression of BDSM, assuming it’s dark and evil and that it’s oppressive to women submissives, etc. WRONG!!!! Well, as a woman submissive and business owner, I can tell you that loving bondage and whippings by no means degrades me or belittles me. I am a strong woman who chooses to allow my Master to bind, train and sometimes punish me because I enjoy it, pure and simple. There are feminists that would say that what I’m doing is wrong, but I’m getting exactly what I want out of life. What could be more feministic than that? (Stepping off my soapbox…)

Well, I hope that proves helpful and at least gives you a head start. I’ve had many people write me and that’s why I decided to put up this page. So far, I’ve heard of a lot of success stories (Yay!). Maybe you’re the next success story I hear! Remember — the most important thing is to have fun!

Happy Tying!
Be sure to see my related New Beginnings Pages too!

Autumn LeFleur
Autumn LeFleur

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