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April 15, 2014

Convincing My Lover to Try My Fantasies / Dom Me

Nervous or not, if you want something, it all starts with bringing it up. Of course, there are better ways to bring it up than others…*wink* It started with us talking about our fantasies, in depth. Even if my fantasies were a little different than he expected them to be, we were still talking about things that turned me on, which he couldn’t help but be interested in-despite some of his reservations. So much of what I was revealing was my bondage fantasies, and that was new to him, things he had never thought of or considered doing. Especially if sex is involved, never underestimate the power of persuasion. I figured it was probably true that my partner highly values his ability to in please me in the most erotic and arousing ways -so I used that to my advantage! *wink*

Of course, the conversation took place when we were already feeling sexual, so it went a lot more smoothly than it may have in another setting. He asked me some pretty normal questions about BDSM-doesn’t it make a person feel degraded? Aren’t the people who engage in that type of stuff usually…a little demented? Is there really a way for that kind of force and pain to be fun? I had asked myself all that stuff too awhile back, so I was ready for this sort of response.

Here are my answers to these questions, based some on what I’ve read, but mostly on how I feel personally. The sub doesn’t feel degraded because that person is allowing their partner to dominate them for the purposes of pleasure. The «kind of people who do BDSM» aren’t any kind certain kind of person, really. Generally, if anything, they will be the type who has a lot of self-confidence and a sure sense of self-because playing with power roles in many way demands that strong ego. As far as force and pain go, BDSM isn’t just whips and chains, honey. *g* BDSM can mean something like your lover just holding down your wrists, or one lover digging their fingers hard into the other as they cum. I’d venture to say there are many, many couples who have done these things without realizing that those are all part of BDSM. People engage in these activities because they like them, because they spice up their sex lives, because it feels good.

My oh my, by this time he was willing to try it out-just hearing me talk with such confidence about the subject turned him on even more. *wink* His stipulation was that he had to be the submissive while I dominated him. Because he is technically «stronger» than me, he said he still felt a bit uneasy about dominating me. So we did that for awhile, and it was great for both of us. We didn’t go all out at first. We started with by picking things out from the beginner bondage page, like the Blindfold, Wrist Cuffs, & Bondage Rope Complete Set and a soft toy, the Seeing Red Suede Whip.

As time went on, and he began to realize how pain isn’t exactly pain. Some pain feels good, really good, and gets your sex drive pumping overtime! *g* We bought some more toys, like the Singapore Stinger II Wooden Slapper, which can really deliver a sting if you want it to. And he wanted it, he was begging for more and more. We were both getting really into the role playing, having so much fun, and we felt it even outside of the bedroom. We felt wild and exploratory and open together, and our bond was getting stronger because of it.

But what about me? It had been awhile, and I told him I was ready for my turn as submissive, yet he was still a little resistant. Something about a man dominating a woman still felt wrong to him, because that’s how he pictured abusive relationships. First of all, I told him that physical strength has nothing to do with it. With the locking bondage gear we had bought, no person could get free, not him, not me. It’s not about that, it’s about trust. The whole experience with BDSM activities really revolves around the submissive in many ways. The submissive decides how far to go, what amount of «pain» is administered, when it’s enough, when to stop. The sub is trusting their partner to lock them up, and that their dom/me will never go further than they are comfortable with. And then I put on my best pouty face, of course this was when I was all decked out in one of the latex dominatrix outfits I had bought, so there was a sexiness to the contrast of that look. *g*

Sometimes all your partner needs is a little coddling before they agree to your hot and heavy BDSM fantasies. This isn’t just for male-female relationships, either. Some same-sex couples have the same issues with who is dom/me and who is sub for very similar reasons. For me, my lover just needed to see what BDSM really was, how it felt to do it (him as submissive was how he felt comfortable going in), in order to go all the way. *g* But in all seriousness, saying it wasn’t enough, he actually had to experience it to get it. This is why starting slow is super important. Soft gear is good because it doesn’t feel threatening. Experimenting with sensations can open things up as well, to show how «pain» isn’t exactly what it seems. Ice cubes and blindfolds and massages can help in the beginning stages. Or think about this: if your partner is resistant, try blindfolding them and giving them oral sex. This will begin their association with pleasure and bondage (blindfolds are a form of BDSM, don’t let them forget!). *g*

I have confidence that this will work for others like it worked for me! Now that I get to domme and sub with my lover, our relationship is even more tight and strong than it was when I dominated all the time. And he feels the same way. Trust me, if this is what you want, it’s worth it to try - sooo worth it. My body is getting all hot and bothered, just thinking about it…

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Autumn LeFleur
Autumn LeFleur