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April 15, 2014



Safeword — What’s in a Word?

Safewords are important. They allow us to play like we’re being 'forced' into something when we’re really not! *wink* (Batting my eyelashes, «Oh-NO, not THAT! *gasp*! heehee)When choosing your safe word, make sure it’s a word that is easily pronounceable and easily understood, even with a gag in. When you have reached your limit, the last thing you want is to have your partner keep going because they could not understand you.

The most common safe words are «Red» for Stop, «Yellow» for I’m a little uncomfortable or Slow down / ease off and Green for I’m good to go again. Green rarely gets muttered and can be replaced by muffled sounds of ecstasy or «thank you Sir (or Ma’am), may I have another». *wink* Some couples not content to stay with the norm, go for more unusual safe words, such as banana or Rumplestiltskin. The up side to this is that your partner will never be able to say that they did not understand what you were trying to say or that perhaps you were asking for a banana (Yipes!) or saw Rumplestiltskin…although that’s another story altogether. As always, points will be awarded for originality and having a good beat to dance to, but more on that in our paddling section! *heehee!*

One question that has come up over the years in several of the bondage groups that I have hosted is, «how do you know when to use your safe word?» My advice on this is always to ask you to be mindful of how you feel. Sometimes, during new sex play games, things can get a bit scary or confusing, leading to sensory overload for the submissive. Where do my hands go? Am I doing this right? Does this new latex blindfold make my thighs look fat? All very important questions, but if you’re thinking of things like this, then it’s not necessary to use a safe word. A little uncomfortable can lead to a lot of fun. (Believe me, I’ve been there before, and we all had a good time!) The idea of kinky sex is to push those boundaries and explore new territory. Perhaps, you have never been a spanker but now your mate wants to give you a good paddling. If you feel a bit of mild trepidation about this because you’ve never done it or anything like it, then why not go ahead with it?

Have you choosen a safeword? What about a 'Safe Gesture' if you’re gagged?

However, if you absolutely are not into this, then you need to tell your mate. Make sure to be kind («No way, you freak!» is not acceptable…think of how you would want your requests responded to!) and offer other suggestions. Perhaps you would like an over the knee hand spanking instead of using a paddle, or maybe you would like to try nipple clamps. A boyfriend once suggested to me something I wasn’t keen on, but when I suggested nipple clamps, he was surprised and visibly very happy! I thought I was turning him down, but he thought he was 'working his way up' to nipple clamps. I didn’t submit to his original request, but we had more fun than he was expecting with his original request! Remember to bring up some fun alternatives that you are open to. Let your imagination run wild, but try to keep with the same general idea that your partner was originally interested in. If your partner proposes wax play, coming back at them with the idea of an afternoon of golf, isn’t exactly a 'trade'. *wink* (If it is, they can go play with their clubs instead of you, then!) Perhaps you could say, «I’m more interested in xyz» and give a few details with it. That leads to possible future discussion, and if you should feel inclined to broaden your horizons in the future and give it and go, and makes your partner feel not only desired but sexually supported — and remember, you want this too. Besides, who knows? I’ve enjoyed a lot of things I never would have thought I would even allow done to me / with me, much less have a great time doing! (I’m not telling, btw!)

So I have a Safeword… When do I use it?

The times that are best to use a safe word are when you are uncomfortable. Is something tied too tightly, or a limb falling asleep? Does a new position hurt your legs a little bit? Are you approaching the end of your comfort zone? That would call for a yellow. The time to use a red is when you when you absolutely want the activity to stop. Now. Red means, everything shuts down and you re-group. If you lost feeling in your wrists 30 minutes ago and can’t feel your fingers, it’s time for red. If your partner is doing something that you absolutely can’t stand, shout a big red. If you feel unsafe in any way or just want the activity to stop, it’s time for red.

As the bottom you have the control over your environment and it’s up to your partner to honor it. Giving up control does not mean abandoning your right to be treated respectfully. Don’t let yourself push past boundaries you are uncomfortable going past. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable, safe and fun. There is nothing sexy about a partner that refuses to take responsibility for their safety and sexuality. Different strokes are for different folks, but it’s all about finding out what your strokes are that makes sex really fun. If the fantasies your partner is requesting aren’t yours exactly, find some that you do have in common or work out which parts work for you.

Explore new ideas and have fun while you’re doing them. Have your safety measures in place and make sure to use them. Push your boundaries but don’t go anywhere you don’t want to go. Allow yourself and your partner the freedom of sexual expression, while honoring yourself and your comfort levels. Speak up if something is not right and if something goes wrong, talk about it. Make it a game and bring playing into your sexuality. Allow yourself to create and explore new fantasies. Be open to new ideas and situations, while also being true to yourself. Your partner wants to have sex with you for a reason. Remember that and feel good about yourself and who you are. There is nothing sexier than a partner who is self-confident and assured. Let your sexuality roam free and enjoy it, but also take responsibility for your safety along with your desires. Use your safety words and make sure your partner knows not only what they are, but how important they are. Make sure you respect each other and your boundaries, but also make sure to keep sex fun. Because after all, that is what great sex is, fun. And we all know what fun stands for — a Fucking Unbelievable Night. Sweet dreams!

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Autumn LeFleur
Autumn LeFleur

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