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Ask Autumn: About Power Dynamics & Alternating Roles in BDSM

I promise I won't blab!

I'd like to hear from you if you have a question for me! I know when I first began playing in the D&S realm, I had a lot of questions! Ask me your questions from mild to wild - from everyday life to the out-of-the-ordinary. Also, please let me know if it's okay to post your question here so others can provide their feedback to your question and so that others who may have the same question (but may be too shy to ask) can benefit also. If you'd prefer to keep your question private, that's okay too! Some of the questions that I've been given permission to post are below. If you have a good response and would like to share it, please send it to me! If you'd like your advice to remain confidential, please note this in your response. To all of you asking your questions, thank you for your input. I hope this can be an open, honest forum providing good, sound advice based on real life experience bondage and fetish issues for those less experienced and curious, beginning bondsters.

C'mon, don't be shy - ask away! Still shy? Go to, excite, or one of many others email providers to get your own free anonymous mailbox that I and others can respond to. (See how easy this is?) Then come right back and find out what you want to know. (Please!)

Your bondage questions don't have to be posted here. Ask away and I'll try to get to them as quickly as possible! I won't let your secrets slip!

Do you have bondage or fetish questions for Autumn? Of course you do! *g*

Please send them to

I am interested in becoming the slave in my current relationship. In the past I have always been the dominant one, but I have found a life partner who feels more comfortable in the dominant role. I have no problem switching but am unsure how to go about it. Any suggestions?

As a dominant, what would be your definition of a good slave? Follow your desires and ask your partner to make suggestions / requests of you.

My best friend and lover is a Dom. He says it is a calling to be either a Dom or a sub. I would be interested to know if others feel that way. What exactly is the "power exchange"? Is it decision making or what? Is it possible to change a long-term vanilla relationship into a D/s relationship? I've been in a long-term vanilla relationship and a couple months ago found out he has been a Dom for 16 years. This has fascinated me immensely! I've had discussions with him about it and have been reading about it as much as I can. He isn't sure we can make the transition, but it could evolve, partially.

Believe it or not, we (the Master and I) started out vanilla. We worked our way into our D&s relationship. He was an experienced Dom and I had never done anything even close to this. It worked for us, and I see no reason why it shouldn't work for you! Just take it slow and make certain you know and respect each others needs and wants. Have discussions about what excites you and what you'd like to try. You never know unless you try! :)

Autumn, help! My husband and I are both interested in a D&s relationship. The only problem is that we are both dominants.

Wow! Now you could really use this to your advantage. Each of you could "switch". By switching, why not give to your partner what you yourself desire – submission. Granted, the submissive role probably won't come as naturally to you as a dominant role, but done the right way, I believe it can be satisfying none the less. *g*

Why not start out a night of play by giving to him your submission for one evening, with the promise that he do the same the next? Isn't life and love a series of negotiations? Every relationship involves give and take, marriages especially. Why not go forward and take the big step? You could then know how it feels on both sides of the spectrum, which could only make you a better Master and a better lover. Either way, it would certainly be an adventure! *giggle*

Hello Autumn,

I was just going through a bunch of BDSM sites and I ran across yours. I really enjoyed it. You expressed a lot in there and it really piqued my interest even more.

I am a single 20-year-old female, and I am very much into getting into a D/s relationship. I am beginning a new relationship with a great female and am not sure how to express my feelings and desires to her. I want to be able to learn and express everything with her but I am not sure if she is into it. I do not know much about this either; the one thing I do know is that I enjoy being dominated and that everything I read turns me on to a maximum.

If you have any suggestions that will help my situation, please feel free to let me know. Thank you for your time.


Angel (

Hi Angel.

You should follow your instincts on this one. Does she show any interest in adventurous play or roleplaying? If you've already been intimate, you've got a general feeling for this. If you haven't, the first, second, or third time is probably not the best time to bring it up (especially if you want to tie her).

BDSM games are built on trust and that trust is earned over time while you get to know each other. Rent a movie with BDSM themes, take a related story from the media, or tell her about a "friend" who told you that they have handcuffs... something to spark conversation or get the ball rolling. Watch her reactions and try not to blurt out "'d-get-some-handcuffs-too, whaddyathink?" though the temptation is strong. *g* If she expresses interest, try a little spontaneous scarf tying - something very loose and playful. Chances are, she'll let you and maybe she'll like it. (Especially if you make it worth her while, so when she's tied up, really make it worth her while so she'll want to do it again!)

Above all, have fun and be playful. Many people have a bad perception of BDSM because of the way popular media tends to portray it as hurtful and scary. Go slow and everything will hopefully play out just the way you want it to. Good luck!

C'mon - go ahead and send me your own questions! I may not be a world class therapist, but I am your BDSM friend who cares! Besides, the question you might be afraid to ask might be the same issue that someone else is dealing with who is also afraid to ask. So just do it!

I promise not to bite... Unless you want me to!

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