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Approaching a New Partner

When you are looking for a new partner in a BDSM relationship, it can work differently than the average couple getting together. In a typical world, the male and female (or any combination of the two) will meet, find themselves attracted and begin dating. While this may be the same course of action for a BDSM couple, there are other ways that it can occur as well. 

No I do not mean you will stumble into the office of a billionaire who will fall for your lack of grace and ability to bite your lip. But many BDSM couples look strictly for their counterparts. In other words, sometimes a dom doesn’t just happen to meet up with a sub and invite her for coffee. Sometimes you actually seek out the opposite and see how you feel about them as time goes on.

So as a female, how do you approach a potential new partner? Fortunately for you, it’s a little simpler than the scenario in which you bump into a random stranger at the grocery store.

For starters you have to understand that you are both in the same place. If you are the sub, the potential partner is a dom that is looking for the same things that you are. The only difference is that you are the one making that initial approach.

 Like any other person, you can make it simple. Approach him and ask for coffee, or drinks, or hell dinner and a movie. It really depends on what your interest level is and how comfortable you feel. It’s not like you are creating a contract in that few moments that you talk.

When you do get together for a conversation, don’t automatically jump to the bedroom. I mean that literally and figuratively. Make sure that you are compatible. Just because you are sub and he’s a dom doesn’t mean that you would get along. Hell, it doesn’t even guarantee that you will get along in the bedroom.

There are many different levels of BDSM and that is something that you will need to discuss. Later. After you’ve made sure you can stand the poor guy.

Discuss your personal interests and what type of relationship you are looking for. Chances are high that both of you are wanting something committed. That is one thing that is vastly different about BDSM participants and your vanilla counterparts. BDSM participants rarely engage in casual sex or relationships. They expect monogamy. That is the only way to enjoy the full effect of the BDSM role play.

Try having a few dates, or whatever you want to call them, before you jump to discussions of hard and soft limits. Not because you don’t need to discuss it, but because you have so much else to find out first. You aren’t going to spend every waking moment having sex with this person.

If you are, go you. And color me jealous. 

Make sure you like them. Enjoy talking to them. Want to spend time with them.

Once you do explore your interests all the way. Don’t skip anything. If you are against certain things, explain that. If there are negotiable items explain that. Make your expectations clear and make sure that he does the same.

In all honesty, other than the sexual relationship, finding a partner for BDSM is not that different than any other way. When I found Master I knew immediately it’d be forever. Just because we are kinky doesn’t mean we don’t understand love and romance. We even understand that sometimes you have none of that. You are just a couple, ignoring each other in the same room, and being content.