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Ask Autumn - Everything you always wanted to know about Bondage Sex- Finally Answered

What do you want to know about bondage?!  Go ahead and ask me your most personal and private bondage questions!

I promise I won't blab! ... I can't tell your secrets! 

I'd like to hear from you here if you have a question for me! I know when I first began playing in the D&S realm, I had a lot of questions!

Ask me your questions from mild to wild - from everyday life to the out-of-the-ordinary. Also, please let me know if it's o.k. to post your question here so others can provide their feedback to your question and others who may have the same question (but may be too shy to ask) can benefit also. If you'd prefer to keep your question private, that's o.k. too! Some of the questions that I've been given permission to post are below. If you have a good response and would like to share it, please send it to me! If you'd like your advice to remain confidential, please note this in your response. Otherwise, thank you for your input. I hope this can be an open, honest forum providing good, sound advice based on real life experience to those less experienced and curious. C'mon, don't be shy - ask away! Still shy? Go to www.hotmail.com or excite, or one of many others to get your own free anonymous mailbox that I and others can respond to. (see how easy this is?) Then come right back and find out what you want to know (please!).

Your questions don't have to be posted here. Ask away & I'll try to get to them as quickly as possible! I won't let your secrets slip! (I'm usually gagged anyways!) *g*
Do you have questions for Autumn? Of course you do! *g*

Please send them at contact page


Hi Autumn! Love your site! I have a few questions. I am engaged to the greatest man in the world and we have recently had fun exploring our new sexuality together! I am very lucky that although we are taking it slow, we are both having fun! I have an issue about loud sex--we live in an old house that was converted into apartments. You can hear everything that goes on in each other's apartment. Our neighbors both above and beside us can hear us having sex (which I love!). One problem-- I overhear my upstairs neighbor who is able to hear us loud and clear through the heater vents talking to his friends about how he thinks that I am being abused because he hears all of this smacking and my guy calling me a Slut among other things. I feel weird because though we rarely see each other (seperate enterances) I have overheard him talking on several occasions about this. Do I leave a note for him? Do I just ignore it? I feel awful that anyone would think that he was abusing me. The last few sex times I have felt like I had to silence my yells much to our disappointment. I like to be loud and it's not like I can't hear the other people having sex! I want to enjoy ourselves but I can't bear thinking that someone thinks he hurts me. How do I approach my neighbor? A gag by the way is out of the question--I find them sexy but my man is just starting into this and I worry it'd be too much. Another question, what positions can you suggest would be best with my legs bound? I know it can usually find it's way in there but I would like to know to explain to my man because he is very technically minded and has to know where to put what before we do it (Kinda of unsexy but I write him a description of what I want done exactly in his lunchbag so when he comes home he knows what to do.) Finally, is there any way that I can tie myself up successfully so I can surprised him by being tied up in his favorite chair when he comes home? Thank you for any help and it's okay to post this on the web if you need to!

Hi, Well, first of all, if your neighbor is anything, he is JEALOUS. *chuckle* I am sure he does not think you are being abused. He is probally just wishing that his wife was half as cool and sexy as you are. You are obviously enjoying yourself and that is a huge turn on to most men. (okay, all men....) You are right, my first thought was a gag. They might seem like a big step but they really aren't. The Latex Stretch Strap Ball Gag is one of my favorites. With a house full of kids, I know a thing or two about having to be quiet. *giggles* It's actually pretty comfortable and it works GREAT!!! Scream all you want.....it really works amazing!! Or you just could continue to keep making your neighbor jealous. *wink* Chances are too, if you are screamer you are also a biter. Do you find yourself clenching your teeth when you have an orgasm? Most women do. Gags are great for that reason also. For sex with your leg bound I have found that tied at the ankles, knees and thighs works great in a forward facing doggie style position. You can also use tether straps which work great and don't leave the rope marks depending upon how much of a wild child are you are. This position will keep you in place if you tend to buck around during sex. Also it has the added benefit of an easier climax. Over 40% of woman orgasm with their legs together. I have also found that this position works great during pregnancy because it doesn't put extra strain on your tummy area. (just thinking ahead for you darling...*wink*) :) As for self-bondage, I am working on a How To with that right now. So, stay tuned. It will be posted in our Product FAQ's area. Hopefully soon. :) Gotta do more research! *wink* - Gag Kisses & Bondage Hugs, Autumn


My BDSM sessions are in various cities due to my master's career. I must travel to enjoy them. Some of the basic things that we use are obviously not allowed on board an aircraft, such as rope, so I have to check them in. We're having so much fun with this, the next trip will be one suitcase FULL of goodies. I haven't had problems in the past, but if a suitcase is jam packed with 'toys', even if it's checked in, do you think that could potentially present any embarassing problems? Have you had any experience with this or know someone who has? Thanks, and I love your website - ordered everything my budget would allow. Thanks for the other services you offer as well, I've never seen a website this user friendly! *Traveling Slave*

Hi, Well, absolutely I've had stuff like this happen! My vibrator went off in the back of our cab in Vegas a few years ago. I keep meaning to write about for a Diary entry! (And now I finally have written this Diary entry!) It was so funny - but I wanted to crawl under the seat and die at the time!! Now we just keep the batteries out when we travel. Rope, small cuffs and bondage tape work WONDERS and travels beautifully! Most other leather items travel well, too. It's best to put these things in luggage rather than carry-on, otherwise it could look like you intended to hijack the plane, not just yourself or your lover! *g* I would stay away from airline travel with handcuffs, personally. Though I haven't heard of troubles getting them through in luggage, it just seems that a lot of metal is what makes those machines (and the people running them) freak out. Have fun & play safe! Big Hugs, Autumn


Hello Autumn! Until I found your site; I didn't think I could ever get into BDSM. But after seeing the adorable stuff you have here, well; I can't WAIT to become the perfect slave!! Now, you have some great advice in your bondage lessons section. I have already discussed my bondage fantasies with my husband/master. He was very uncertain of the idea at first but with a little more discussion on my part; letting him know how important it is to me... he's agreed to give it a try (at least sometimes) Now, my problem; you ask? Well my hubby is a VERY large man ( 6 foot 3 inches tall and 360 pounds) and is the most gentle soul you could ever meet. He just can't seem to use the amount of force on me I need. He says he's terrified of hurting me. When he "spanks" me it's barely a tap. I have to ask him several times to do it harder an even then he'll only use a tiny bit more. Now, I've got a really high pain threshold so I tell him he can use much more force and it won't bother me. How in the world does one "train" a master to use enough force in his "punishments" to turn a naughty slave like me on? By the way Autumn: you may indeed post this on your site if you so wish. I don't mind. Sign Me: "masterless slave"

Hi, To get what you want, you'll have to give what he wants. *g* When he spanks you as hard as you like, do for him what he likes. When he doesn't spank you hard enough, he gets a watered down version. *g* This is how Master trained me to many things, but with us it's not training -it's simply conditioning! It's important to let him know you like it. Many men are raised to not hurt and be respectful and protective of women(especially someone as large as your husband who could *really* hurt someone). Let him know that spanking you is okay because you *really* want it and let him know by your actions / sounds / etc. (Play it up - maybe he'll swat you harder to hear you moan in pleasure or let out little yips - whatever.) A good relationship is based on give and take, and this is especially true is BDSM relationships. You've already talked about it - bring him to my site to let him know there really are women out there that enjoy this type of thing and that he's not being mean or hurtful to you. It's just a game you'd like to play and, more importantly, that it can be fun and rewarding for him too! Good luck and have fun! Autumn


Dear Autumn, As i am sure you, and others will get a kick out of this, i am pleased to present you with my dilemma, as inconsequential as it may seem. I am a 21 year old single fem, and i feel that i am just now KNOWING what i want intimately. I was recently in a relationship with a man elder than me, and he introduced me to this new world (although i had sexual thoughts that fell under BDSM). However he is into cross dressing, and role reversal, which doesn't bother me at all, but i have this insecurity that makes me afraid i am unable to fill his fantasy. I have had fantasies of being with women, but in the same regards i love men, so i dont think that it is his desire to dress that bothers me. I just know that i have an extreme fantasy of being held captive and being used like the sub-fem slave i harbor. I guess my question is how do i get past my fear to please him, and how do i bring out the dom-master that i desire? We have talked about our preferences and he is more that willing to help me experience anything i so desire within reason, but i am new to this whole realm,(and very intrigued, and aroused) and just need some pointers from a woman on how to move past the fear, felling stupid and getting what you want. As well as returning it. Truly yours, cuffs and kisses, dreamweaver

Hi Dreamweaver, First of all...take a big breath and RELLLLAAXX, sweetie. :) This is sex...it's supposed to be fun! (so have fun - darn it!) *chuckle* Seriously though, don't forget that this is what it's about - pleasure, fun and intimacy. I can see you have already taken that first step by talking with your sweetie about what you want - but my advice is TALK, TALK, TALK!(more!) :) Instead of concentrating on your nervous feelings - concentrate on how much fun you will BOTH HAVE! :) Explore your feelings, desires, needs and wants...and cherish his! :) Ask him what his fantasy is - and if he is too shy - ask him to write it in an email or leave a note for you on the table in the morning! :) (and you of course can do to the same!) I wish you the best sex ever! Warm Hugs, Autumn :)


Hello Autumn, I was introduced to your website today by my D. Its funny, browsing your site, the things you've written about your personal feelings... they could have been something I've thought or felt or said myself. And your Masters' could have come from my D, or so he tells me. We are relatively new to this D/s, although we've each known for a long while, seperately, what we've needed and wanted but have never had the ability to take it where we wanted to with our former partners. *deep sigh* And now we have each other and like you, find complete happiness and satisfaction in our lives because of the things we are able to express and give thru sexual bondage. I've never been one to give control to someone else in any realm of my life (being an Aries) but I have found that with him all I want is his domination and love. So my question is this, to your Master: Does there come a time when you don't want to be the one 'giving' all the time? I read your response to the woman whose husband does not seem to be as into D/s as much as she was, or more to the point, his heart was not in it. I understand what was asked and what you said in reply... that Autumn gives back to you in your dailey life the 'balance' of what you give to her in your dominance and loving care. I suppose I am concerned about how, by not being the one 'doing' the dominant thing or by just 'allowing' what he wants to happen happen, that he will feel like I'm putting the onus on him. Perhaps I need a lesson or two on how to be a better sub; I don't know, but I do know that his happiness is paramount in my life and the last thing I want to do is to make it seem like I have no desire to give back to him what he gives to me, sexually. I know you say communication is very important in what we do in a healthy D/s relationship; he has read this email I am sending now and we will talk about it later, I know. But being new to this, I don't know if he could answer what I want to specifically know here. Here's hoping you can. R F

Hi, The D/s aspect is such that the Master enjoys the control and rewards as much as the sub enjoys relinquishing. In different relationships, this means different things and in varying amounts (and that's what you have to discuss between yourselves). If you enjoy being tied and he enjoys tying you, then that's a win/win...sounds good. If you enjoy light bondage and he enjoys more strict bondage, then that's where you have a give and take. You can allow yourself to be tied tighter to please him and he will realize that this is you giving of yourself to please him (he will if you've discussed it, anyways...) and will give more to you in an area where you've expressed interest (emotionally, or whatever). It may sound crass at first, but it's somewhat like having a pet. (Many subs have a pet name of "pet", such as in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but I digress). Pets require effort, but that doesn't mean it's hard effort, bad effort or even much effort at all sometimes. The payoff is in the love, trust and fulfillment you receive in return. For Autumn & me, I appreciate he submission in many ways. She's a strong person and chooses to submit her will to me. I enjoy being the strong figure she desires and all the perks that come along with it. It's not easy being the head of a family or corporation, but I enjoy the benefits of those titles. For men it's often about feeling needed and being a "good man" in the old-fashioned sense. (ie: taking care of your wife, family, yard work, machine things - man things *g*). Talk, talk, talk. Only you know what you really want in return for your submission and only he knows what he really wants in return for his domination of you. Maybe all he really wants is to have fun, make you feel happy, content and safe... that's basically what I want and what everything eventually boils down to in the end - warm fuzzies. *g* Have fun! Master L.


I could really use a bit of advice... My Husband and I have been together for quite some time (over 7 years) and we seem to have hit a brick wall. We both love Dom/Sub sex, but we both are also suited to specific roles it seems. His entire personality is very Dom, while I and a complete sub (Not that I mind this by any means *g*). The problem is that he has expressed to me his need to be Dominated as well, and I'm not quite sure how to go about that! I mean, I know what I like, and I'm sure he would love to have everything he does to me done to him, but it's terribly difficult for me to assume a Dom persona. Could Y/you perhaps give me some pointers or tips on how to ease into a Dom role? I very much wish to please my husband, and satisfy HIS needs as well as my own. I figured I would turn to Y/you for advice since we have often used your site for purchases (WONDERFUL service, by the way! Please, don't ever stop. Definate long term customers on this end. *g*). Y/your open, honest site is one of the few places I trust to find some advice. Thank Y/you both for your time!! ~

Hi, Thank you for your nice comments on our site. : ) The Dom/sub persona is a difficult one to switch (literally) when you're entrenched in your role, and particularly when you're happy without a change. If you are interested in giving back, the best way is to simply play it by ear. Since you're already familiar with what he's doing in a dominant role, just try to reverse that and do some of the things he does. That would be the easiest place to start. Discussion would be a logical step to find out what your respective comfort levels are. Don't over-discuss or you might find yourselves in an uncomfortable situation. As most women will tell you, it's sometimes better to "just do it" than talk about it since that's where a lot of butterflies come from. Communication is key in D/s, so perhaps he could "top from below" (where the sub gives directions as to what to do) to give you some hints and pointers. Other than that, I would suggest reading some female Domme erotica or other writings to help you along your way. I have several books for beginning dommes in my bookstore, too. Talk freely about what you're each comfortable with also. Go slow and make sure you enjoy what you're doing, otherwise you may find that someone comes out feeling uncomfortable with the new arrangement. ~ Master L.


At last! someone I can ask this strange question to! Feel free to post this on the site cos I wouldn't mind knowing what others think too. Last year I was seeing a girl (I'm 27yr old male) we weren't very compatable out of bed - we had affection and feelings but we weren't really in love. But we had this totally intense sex life. We were doing things which I now realise was a sort of dom-sub situation. She totally loved being submissive (and of course said so) and I loved comming up with the ideas, (I had a really good feel for what she'd like) it was like I had the control you have in a fantasy but with all the feeling of reality. Then one night she said she'd really like to pretend like she didn't want what I was doing to her. I was shocked to find that it actually really _really_ scared me. She was so convincing, all I could think of was two past girlfriends who had told me about the time they got raped, or of my friend who got abused by his step-dad. Not sexy. I _knew_ it wasn't real, of course, but just hearing the fear in her voice gave me the creeps and I just had to tell her to stop. It's crazy, cos we'd done the kinkiest things, but before she'd be obviously loving it. And she'd love me calling her a dirty girl and whatever and I'd love it too, as long as she was _obviously_ loving it. I'd always thought I had a good grip on fantasy and reality, but after that I thought maybe not. And after that we didn't really see each other as much - mostly my fault: the ability to completely be each others fantasy was a compelling bond, but it was our only bond really. I kind of felt like I'd failed to keep up my side of some unwritten contract, so I sort of drifted away. I'm writing cos I don't want that to happen again! It sounded like a great idea and I love fulfilling someone's fantasies, I was probably just round the corner from a whole world I could never have imagined and which we could have explored together. If I can I sort my head out regarding this real/fantasy thing I reckon I'd have a lot more fun. Any ideas how I can do it? How do you do it? many thanks (and sorry it's so long and a bit grim) - Chris (ame9@supanet.com)

Hi Chris,

The idea is that it's fun for both of you and she wouldn't want to do (or would feel violated) if you did something to her she didn't want to do, so remember it's a 2 way street. The best thing to do is say that you're uncomfortable about it "for now". Leave the possibility open and if you feel comfortable telling her why, then talk about it. You may wind up working through it and doing it that night or a month or two from now, or whenever. Or you may not. She needs to respect that just as you need to respect her limits. She also needs to communicate to you regarding things she might not want to do in the same way. Saying no doesn't mean forever. Good luck & thanks for visiting my site! ~ Autumn


Dear Autumn, I am very sorry to bother you, but I don't really know who else to ask and I know from your site that you've answered advice questions before. :::SIGH::: My question is what do you do (I know that you've probably never had this question--from what you say about him, your husband seems to be very romantic) when it goes wrong while your playing??? Nothing like needing to divulge the embarrsing intimate details of your life to someone whom you've never met, huh? It's probably good that I've never met you because I don't think that I could discuss this and actually look anyone in the face. I KNOW that he loves me and would never deliberately hurt me. Last night started out very nicely, all the tender touches that I crave while I was getting tied up, but somehow after that it went wrong...I felt more like an object than someone that he loved and treasure (grab the ankle and drag her over her) and it just sort of deteriorated from there :( I know technically that's the point that I should have used the safe word. But at that point I had that ball gag in my mouth and as you pointed out, Autumn, its very good at muffling noises. I think that he thought that I was mewing with pleasure when in fact it was the sitting in the dentist's chair while he's drilling on a sensitive tooth and the novicane isn't kicking in mewing. I know that I have to discuss this with him (I mean, I'm not THAT stupid), but I don't know how because I know that it will hurt him to know that...tough choice of words here, one that I didn't enjoy it and two that he did something that made me feel bad (yeah, technically I know that no one can make you feel bad without your complicity?--but I hope that you will understand what I am trying to say, I'm not trying to shirk my responsibilies). I know that I'm rambling here, but I don't know how to explain it. I KNOW without a doubt that he loves me but how do I explain to him that when I need to hear it MOST is when we're playing? ( I would literally die and do ANYTHING for him if he did some of the things that you write about your husband doing). (Nothing like the embarrassment of having to ask for help after you've done something very stupid :( ) The Lost Kitten

Hi Kitten, In fact, things do go wrong occassionally. It's a fact of life that nothing is ever seamless or perfect, especially when you're trying something new. Being romantic has nothing to do with it - everybody makes mistakes. If he were the one tied up and you hurt him accidentally, you'd want to know about it and how to make sure it didn't happen again. The main thing is to remember that it's not intentional according to what you've told me. In the heat of the moment, sometimes things get overly rough (or just too soon) and it's a question of stopping or slowing down at that moment. Your safeword or safe gesture is very important here. (I'm not saying that this is your fault by any means, btw - it's the dom's responsibility to make sure that their sub is safe at all times.) You mention you were gagged, but perhaps there's a safe "noise" you can make. Master can understand a lot of my gag talk, even muffled as it is. You might try telling him your safeword while gagged. It may not sound exactly like the word, but it will sound enough like it when he's heard it before. You can either practice specifically or mention it so that he asks you for your safeword the next time he gags you. (It's a dom thing too, making you speak on his command, so it shouldn't be a problem. Tell him to make you tell him your safeword the next time you're gagged. ;) When I'm wearing a gag that I simply CAN'T make a sound in... or where it might get confused with other such noises I might happen to be making at the time... I have a hand signal where I snap my fingers. You'd have to be tied pretty good not to be able to snap your fingers *g*, but otherwise, find another signal. A bell to ring, whatever. The best time to talk about it is immediately afterwards. In this case, just tell him you want to talk about it in whatever way you feel is best - while you're cuddling, watching a video or whatever. Just bring it up in a non-threatening manner (such as a terse "we need to talk") and things will go just fine. He wants to make sure you're safe and enjoying yourself so he will enjoy himself too. You mention that if he were to do some of the things I write about that you'd do anything to him. (We do these things -because- we talked to each other about them - sometimes in the heat of the moment since it -is- hard to talk about.) Have you mentioned you'd like those things? Mix that in as something you'd -rather- he did when you're tied and it will be exciting for both of you rather than a 'you did something wrong' talk. Plus the "anything" will probably peak his interest and you'll probably find out a lot about him. *g* It's a journey that you share together in finding out about each other and what makes you both tick and you always learn something new and fun. :) Try having a talk when nothing is wrong - it will keep things from going wrong and you'll both get what you want more often. For example, maybe you'd like your hair pulled, but not THERE!! *g* He's not a mind-reader, so your best bet is to show him. The same with everything else. You'll have to lose some inhibitions, but WOW! The doors it opens is worth the butterflies and embarrassing feelings you have to begin with. Besides - here's a secret - men like to know what turns you on. You both win! Remember that these things happen to everyone, you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs and so forth. The important thing is communication and you already know that. So go ahead and have at it! Good luck & keep have fun! ~ Autumn

Hi Autumn, a comment for 'The lost kitten'. The one that was gagged when the scene went wrong. If i am gagged He puts a silk scarf through both of my hands. If i drop the left side, it's yellow, back off or change what your doing. The right side is red, Stop W/we're done! If a scene is not working your mind usually is. (plus the scarf looks and feels sexy in my hands) i have a hard time discussing some things with my Master as well and have found it easier to write what i want to do or if something didn't work to well for me, and sending it to Him in an Email or writing about it in my journal. 99% of the time He will either bring it up for discussion or write me back. If it is somethig i wanted to try, but was to embarassed to tell Him face to face... It will be on His agenda for the next scene.:) Lucky me! Hope this helps....faith


Hello autumn and her Master, First i would like to say that i have just found your site and am throughly enjoying all the information Y/you have to offer, from the letters, comments, links and of course products (some of which i just had to have *s*) But enough of that, let me get on with the reason i am writing Y/you. My husband and i have been together for quite a while and recently got married (including the 5 kids) and enjoy many aspects of the D/s lifestyle. The problem i am running into lately is that in the beginning i had to basically 'get him into it' because i knew i had the desire to be dominated. Now he is totally into being a Dom, and tries very hard to give me what i want, the only problem is, i am not sure if what i want even exists or even if i am in fact submissive. I find my self resisting at every turn, testing to see if he can dominate me, i seem to fight everything he says just to see if he can make me do it and it seems to me if i were truely submissive, i wouldn't fight so much. So i guess in short, what i am asking is, is my attitude normal or am i not submissive at all? Y/you may feel free to post this question if Y/you feel it will be of interest ir help to anyone else and i thank Y/you in advance for any light you can shed on my confusion. Sincerely, nikki

Thanks for your sweet comments on my site! I'm glad you enjoyed your visit and were able to find some interesting things here. :) Regarding your desires, it's not entirely unusual. I've always had submissive desires, but I wanted the man to take charge and dominate me - I wasn't just going to give myself away, so to speak. Is your husband doing the types of things you want him to? Have you discussed the things you'd like to do? That he'd like to do? Sometimes, a lack of communication is the only problem. He may want to take it to the next level, but is worried if you will accept it or can handle it while you're getting frustrated that he's not. This is also a common problem. Try talking through your mutual desires - which can be very exciting itself - and see what develops. Let him know you want to be taken and overpowered - "forced" to be his submissive in a fantasy sense. You may be surprised (and extremely happy) at what happens! :)


Hi Autumn, First I must say what a great site I find I cannot switch on the PC without visiting you, as a female I feel as if I am among friends. Right down to my question I tend to be the dominant one basically I prefer females but have been the sub on many occasions for a male other times the Dom, I read of other peoples experiences when with a male and it gets around to oral sex they can swallow the lot, OK I can suck him off with the best of them I can drink and swallow sperm no problem at all, But when it comes to swallowing the penis the eyes are watering I am choking and have to abort the mission, I read of other women even very very young ones who can swallow a penis right down and no problem then have a their throat shagged till he ejaculates. But me as soon as a male approaches the back of the throat I start to choke, is it me or is every one else boasting or am I doing something wrong, A very gentle male I know says its all down to training but I am getting all worn out training. The second question I have is there a site were I can learn more advanced types of BDSM preferably SM as I like to keep my new female sub guessing as to what is coming next plus adding a little more variation, And when with a male I like to be the one coming up with the new ideas as I believe in the old saying "No Pain No Gain" so I hope you can help a poor gagging female, Who is also running out of new ideas. Loving you. Be Good Be kind Be Bound in Pleasure - Jenny jnpht@netscapeonline.co.uk

From AF: 

This will sound crazy, but it does work. Try panting (like a dog) - this suppresses the gag reflex. Tilting your head back, relaxation, and the standard hints you will find on the internet also help. Oh, and if the guy is really hairy, sometime shaving the tip of the shaft will help eliminate extra stimulus and make the experience easier on the sucker. That said... A dental gag might be a good idea for the first couple of times, as sometimes the person realizes how far in something is and gags out of fear. This could result in a rather unfortunate situation :( Ring gags without a full harness sometimes have a nasty tendency of turning inwards if they are too small, so a ring gag might not be the best thing to use. Practicing on something else (perhaps something like #386A Fleshy 7" Soft Cock is also strongly recommended. ($8, damn, you have some really good prices) Smoking irritates the throat so not smoking several hours prior to trying this will help. As a last resort, a spray or two of Chloraseptic (the green sore throat spray) should deaden the nerves at the back of the throat and larynx. You should really avoid this though, as medicating yourself when you're not sick is definitely something to be avoided. Never exceed the recommended dosage. She probably won't be able to do the howard stern sausage lady thing, but it should help her along. - Thanks to AF !


Hello Autumn, ok well I was just going through a bunch of BDSM sights and I ran across yours.. I really enjoyed it. You expressed a lot in there and it really peeked my interest even more. I am a single 20 year old female, and I am very much into geting into a D/s relationship. I am begining a new relationship with a great female and am not sure how to express my feelings and desires to her....I want to be able to learn and express everything with her but I am not sure if she is into it. I do not know much about this either the one thing I do know is that I enjoy being dominated and that everything I read turns me on to a maximum. If you have any suggestions that will help my situation please feel free to express them......( or anyone else that can help ) Thank you for your time ..... Always, Angel

p.s Please send your reply to mystic_angel_54@yahoo.com thank you

Hi Angel. You should follow your instincts on this one. Does she show any interest in adventurous play or role playing? If you've already been intimate, you've got a general feeling for this. If you haven't, the first, second or third time is probably not the best time to bring it up (especially if you want to tie her). BDSM games are built on trust and that trust is earned over time while you get to know each other. Rent a movie with BDSM themes, take a related story from the media or tell her about a "friend" who told you that they have handcuffs... something to spark conversation or get the ball rolling. Watch her reactions and try not to blurt out "..so-I-thought-maybe-we'd- get-some-handcuffs-too, whaddyathink?", though the temptation is strong. *g* If she expresses interest, try a little spontaneous scarf tying - something very loose and playful. Chances are she'll let you & chances are pretty good she'll like it. (Especially if you make it worth her while, so when she's tied up, REALLY Make it worth her while so she'll want to do it again!) Above all, have fun & be playful. Many people have a bad perception of BDSM because of the way popular media tends to portray it as hurtful and scary. Go slow & everything will hopefully play out just the way you want it to. Good Luck!


I've been in a vanilla relationship for over 10 years. Although I think I've been waiting all my life to become submissive, and my husband more or less knows that my interests are there, he is unwilling to do more than pin my arms down occasionally when we have sex. In the past 2 years his sexual interest has almost evaporated, in spite of my best seduction efforts, and my expressed willingness to explore ANYTHING he wants to. Otherwise, we have a pretty good marriage and friendship (and kids).

8 months ago a male acquaintance and I discovered our mutual and unfulfilled interests in exploring BDSM, and agreed to do so together, in such a way as to not endanger my marriage. We have been having an AMAZING time - sexually and psychologically it's the best thing I've ever done! However, the depth and intensity of the experience is hard to balance with the rest of my life and emotions.

So... my question is...is this "duality" (vanilla husband and a master) a realistic, viable situation, or is it likely doomed crash and burn? Also... how do I handle my growing emotional attachment to my master? He is trying hard to keep the "romantic" aspect out of our caring relationship, given my family attachments, and I don't blame him, but we both see this as a life-changing experience, and a potentially long-term D/s relationship. Is such a "balance" possible?

- Regarding your current situation, I take it your husband doesn't know what's going on. Is he the jealous type? If he found out, would he want a divorce? I realize it's very difficult for you to make a decision here due to the lack of interest your husband shows in your sexuality. If you've basically spelled it out for him, there's not much else you can do. So based on that situation you'll have to decide how much you need this (master-slave relationship / bondage play) in your life - how much a part of you it is. This relates to your question about whether this dual life you have may eventually be found out or go sour. How strong is your relationship with this male acquaintance? Is he married or seeing someone else or are you it? Will he want you for himself completely or is he always going to be fine with part-time play? If he wants more, you may have the makings of a soap opera scenario. Do you get along well outside the bondage play, or is it all basically sexual? Could you be as happy with him (outside of bondage play) as with your husband? I'm not trying to scare you here - just bring up points for you to consider. Personally, I'm very happy that you've found someone to play with and that you're both very happy. Bondage (I think) is one of the most trusting things you can do with a partner and that "bond" of trust makes the relationship stronger.

The best advice I can give is to consider what makes you feel good and bad with your marriage and what makes you feel good and bad with your bondage play partner. The wildcard is your kids - consider how possible events may affect them and your relationship with them. Consider all the angles and whatever you decide, you'll be prepared for whatever comes.

I don't believe it's possible to not become emotionally involved and that may create complications. If he's "trying" not to be emotional, that indicates he probably is already feeling those emotions and I suspect you are too (that's only natural). Your feelings for your master will probably intensify as you become more deeply involved. Somewhere down the line, it will become a problem and you'll have to decide which life you prefer. I know that's not what you want to hear, but I've dealt with this before personally and sooner or later it all comes down to the "mine" principle (as in your husband or master wanting you to themselves alone). Your husband may find out and ?, or your master may become jealous of your husband who you're splitting your time with and demand more. But that's just my not-so-humble opinion. *g*

Either way, enjoy yourself - you only go around once and being happy rubs off on those around you. And that includes your master, husband and kids. 

Master L.


I have seen many sites with total devotion to the fem-slave lifestyle. I am not submissive outside of the bedroom. Is this normal?

- Yes, I think this is very normal and also very healthy. Many of the woman I have been in contact with only are submissive sexually. There really is not right or wrong. It is all just a matter of comfort levels. If you feel comfortable and are happy, that is what is important, not so-called normalcy.

From Autumn. - Being a sub doesn't mean you have to be one 24/7. Actually it is impossible to act like a sub or a Dom(me) for that matter all the darn time! People think that I'm not a subbie, or at the least, not a good subbie because I'm so strong-willed and outspoken. I'm not the type to be a meek little lamb! But trust me, I am a sub at heart. Inside of me, I know. I know that the gift of submission (sounds preachy, I know!!!) that I give is something even more special because it is a certain aspect of me that the rest of the world does not see. When I submit to my Master, it is a show of love, respect and trust. I know that I am safe with him and I can let all my barriers down; be as weak as I want, be as strong as I want. In my opinion it is precisely because one can let the barriers down and be completely and brutally honest in words, thoughts and actions that a D/s relationship rises into such an intense and emotional level. 

We do live in a real world... and in the real world, we have to make adjustments to be able to live with it. No Master/Mistress is going to force handcuffs or a collar on a subbie while walking in a busy street for example. I think you'd probably get arrested! Anyone who says that they are a Dom(me) or sub all the time is lying. I don't think people get that being a true subbie isn't about saying yes to people all the time and serving people hand and foot! We do have our own lives to live after all! We are all independent rational beings. What makes us a little more special is that we have this aspect of ourselves that we are not afraid to show when with the right people. We are completely comfortable with ourselves and need not be strong nor weak 24/7. 

It is true that certain aspects of you reflect that lifestyle, but not all of it. Just like a profession, if one is a lawyer, there are traits of that that seeps through in your everyday life, but you are not a lawyer all the time. We all have different roles to play at a certain time. We are mothers, children, wives, friends, subbies, all rolled into one (well, the girls anyway... I don't think men will ever be able to stand 9 months and the delivery!*big grin*). Sometimes the roles collide and sometimes it doesn't. The fact that some roles do not join together does not make the role something that is inferior in your life.


I am interested in becoming the slave in my current relationship. In the past I have always been the dominant one, but I have found a life partner who feels more comfortable in the dominant role. I have no problem switching but am unsure how to go about it. Any suggestions?

- As a dominant, what would be your definition of a good slave? Follow your desires and ask your partner to make suggestions / requests of you.


My best friend and lover is a Dom. He says it is a calling (either Dom or sub). I would be interested to know if others feel that way.

What exactly is the "power exchange"? Is it decision making or what?

Is it possible to change a long-term vanilla relationship into a D/s relationship? I've been in a long-term vanilla relationship and a couple months ago found out he has been a Dom for 16 years. This has fascinated me immensely! I've had discussions with him about it and have been reading about it as much as I can. He isn't sure we can make the transition, but it could evolve, partially.

 - Believe it or not, we started (the Master and I) out vanilla. We worked our way into our D&s relationship. He was an experienced Dom and I had never done anything even close to this. It worked for us, and I see no reason why it shouldn't work for you! Just take it slow and make certain you know and respect each others needs and wants. Have discussions about what excites you and what you'd like to try. You never know unless you try! : )


Autumn, Help!!  My husband and I are both interested in a D&s relationship.  The only problem is that we are both dominants. 

Wow!   Now you could really use this to your advantage.  Each of you could "switch".  By switching why not give to your partner what you, yourself desire- submission.  Granted the submissive role probably won't come as naturally to you as a dominant role, but done the right way I believe can be satisfying none the less.   *g*  Why not start out a night of play by giving to him your submission for one evening, with the promise that he do the same the next?  Isn't life and love a series of negotiations?  Every relationship involves give and take, marriages especially.  Why not go forward and take the big step?  You could then know how it feels on both sides of the spectrum, which could only make you a better Master and a better lover.  Either way, it would certainly be an adventure! (giggle)


My husband and I have been married 4 years and have both become interested in BDSM and having a D/s relationship. The problem is, I am finding it hard to submit to him. He is not dominant, and although he tries to be, it doesn't seem to be working for us. I would consider myself a "switch", but because I am dominant most of the time, I find greater satisfaction in being a submissive in the bedroom. We have ordered and read many books together, but when we try to "play" with him in the role of my Master, it just doesn't feel right. Any suggestions?

(Master L.) From a dom's POV, domming requires a lot of effort. I don't mean effort in a bad way, mind you! <g You must pay close attention to the sub's actions and reactions and direct the scene. I enjoy it immensely, but if it's not in your nature to do so, it may be considered more "work" than play. Perhaps your husband feels cheated, or feels as though you are getting all the fun and he's doing all the work. It basically boils down to attention giving / getting. The person giving more than they receive (real or perceived) may feel very cheated and this leads to distancing, which means his heart probably isn't in it and therefore it's not going to be very good for either of you. You may feel as though he's not doing enough or the right things to please you as a sub. 

This leads to the theory of "topping from below" or the sub directing the dom. Call it what you will, it's all quite necessary at times, because as a dom, I'm not a mind-reader. I have plenty of ideas of what I want to do, but I rely on Autumn giving me hints or flat-out telling me what she wants to experience at times. Then I put my evil <g little mind to work and create a scene for us. But it starts with communication. (I don't mean to be preachy here, but this is the key.)

Perhaps your husband would be perfectly comfortable in the dom role if he felt as though he were getting what I'll call equal value for his efforts. Your submission could include something he enjoys and putting a D/s twist on it. For example, you could give oral sex while submitting (kneeling submissively, bound, whatever that may mean to you or him) This may seem like a lot of work to try to perform oral sex while bound, but remember, it's repaying his efforts in domming you. This is only a suggestion of course - perhaps he or you could come up with something very special to the two of you. Autumn does many little things daily to show that she appreciates me, so it doesn't have to be in the context of a scene. In fact, Autumn is most often bound so tightly she could do nothing for me even if I told her to <g. So, the trade-off can be anything you'd like it to be. Effort for effort.

Talk to your husband and let him know what you'd like - rough, gentle, a certain touch here, a slap or pinch there, etc. Go as far as to describe an entire scene if you've got one in your head. Put it in the form of a fantasy and discuss it when you're feeling sexual - put it in the right context. (Men are suckers for women's fantasies! ;) He can't fulfill your expectations if he doesn't know what they are. Have him give you ideas on what excites him. It sounds like you already do this at least somewhat when reading stories together. Point out certain passages that excite you & have him do the same. If it comes down to it, domme him and physically show him what you want. He may be very eager to "pay you back"! 

Keep it light - make it play rather than work, then take it from there. Let the natural progression take it from perhaps holding your hands down to tying you with neckties or scarves to buckling on the wrist cuffs and hardware! :) Don't expect too much at once. Even if you've fantasized about it all your life or read a million books, it's a lot harder to do than it seems like and looks like! Besides, what works in fantasy may not work in real life - you have to work that out for yourselves. You're guaranteed to have some disappointments. I've done my fair share of less-than-perfect scenes. Nobody bats 1.000. Practice, practice, practice!! (And don't expect too much at once!)

C'mon - go ahead and send me your own questions! I may not be a world class therapist, but I am your BDSM friend who cares! Besides, the question you might be afraid to ask might be the same issue that someone else is dealing with who is also afraid to ask. So, just do it!

I promise not to bite...unless you want me to!