Please tell us a little bit about yourself – How would you describe your everyday vanilla life?
I’m a thirty-year-old philosophy undergraduate who’ll be looking into Ph.D. programs next year. Right now I just took time off work to concentrate on reading, writing, and studying for the GRE, so I’ve been easing into that self-employed routine of scheduling my activities out and assuring there’s balance between work time, time spent with my lovely Fiancée, and time spent on solo cool down. I’ve been writing my first novel and trying to refine and add to my portfolio of philosophical works, so it’s been very exciting but also requires a lot more discipline than I am used to. It’s taking some adjustment.
When did you first realize you were into bondage?
Bondage affected me at an early age, maybe being five or six years old. I remember my older brother and friends being tied up by an older kid who lived at a house our parents had brought us to. They didn’t tie me up because they said I was too young. The taboo associated with it, their reactions of fun and laughter, my own misunderstood reactions to it staved me off from fully realizing I was into bondage until much later (eleven or twelve years old) when I learned what the term was and meant. I’d realized very early that something intrigued me about people tied up, but I had no method or context for understanding or expressing it. Bondage wasn’t an inherently sexual thing for me, and still isn’t necessarily, and it has always perplexed me ever since I was a child.
How you best describe yourself and why? Your choices are: Dominant, Submissive, Switch or Fuzzy Rainbow Unicorn.
Switch. I’ve only recently allowed myself to become more comfortable with my submissive side. I’ve always had more dominant fantasies growing up, and I think that’s partly because I lacked much control as a young man. Lately, my life has had me in varied positions of control and responsibility, and my submissive side is a way for me to be free of those responsibilities, even just for a short while. I could really not do without being both a dom/sub, I couldn’t just choose to do one for the rest of my life.
Do you feel that your desire for bondage is more physical or emotional? (please elaborate)
The physical restraints have always had more of an immediate appeal to me, but actually exploring bondage with my Fiancée has led me to discover the rewards of the emotional connection as well. The true appeal of BDSM and kink activities is more of an intellectual appeal to myself. The states of mind, empathy, role playing, the phenomenon of the master/slave interaction is what appeals to me. Bondage also contains many paradoxes, like how the master/slave interaction is actually reversed, and the slave is essentially the one in control and the master at their service. Or how physical restraint can be mentally freeing. Or how we willingly allow ourselves to be enslaved, or to take complete control of someone, whereas some people find the thought terrifying. Many are struck by their desires as well, either by what they are or by their reactions to them, and there is a mystery as to whether our fetishes and fantasies are programed or chosen. All of this intrigues me from a philosophical and psychological perspective, as well as an emotional one. Why do we desire the things we desire?
Were lovers accepting of your interest in bondage?
I didn’t have a lot of lovers growing up, and it took me a very long time to understand and reconcile my love of bondage. While I hinted and engaged in some light stuff here and there, I hadn’t worked up enough courage to truly confront it until I had been dating my Fiancée for a while.
I think the first time I had ever engaged with actual bondage gear was when I handcuffed a girlfriend with her hands behind her back and… Well, I’m sure you can guess. I remember her saying that the cuffs hurt her wrists, and I panicked and offered to loosen them, but she said she liked it. We played with the cuffs once more after that, but I was terribly hesitant about bringing up bondage even then (I was 24 I believe). Not long before the relationship ended, she told me she wished I would get the handcuffs out more often, and that when she was younger (she was 35 when we were dating) she wouldn’t have been into anything like that, but now, and these were her words, “Tie me up!”
What was your best bondage experience?
It’s hard to say what my best experience is. My Fiancée and I have had some great nights where I’ve tied her up and some great nights where she’s tied me up. One time does come to mind though, and this was kind of odd but very awesome. I had my hands cuffed behind my back, ankles as well, sitting up on my knees. My Fiancée and I were doing it doggy-style, but the twist was I had some clover clamps attached to my nipples with the chain connecting them attached to the leash that was attached to the collar she was wearing. So while I was giving her everything I had, my nipples were getting tugged by her heavy chain-style leash... and yeah it was pretty awesome. Was wearing our red ball gag during this too, so I’d say it had about everything! I need to propose we do this again some night soon...
What is the most creative safeword you have ever used?
You know, it’s actually probably irresponsible of me to say but we’ve never practiced a safeword. My Fiancée is relatively vanilla, so we don’t get too heavy into scenes or outside of our comfort zones. If anything’s not going right for either of us, we speak pretty plainly about it. If we were into heavier scenes or role playing, I’d probably suggest one. I might anyway just so we have one.
What do you feel is most important about the experience of bondage?
The emotional exchange between the dom/sub is a profound interaction and shouldn’t be taken lightly. I know earlier I said the appeal to me is highly intellectual, but through that conduit I try to better understand the emotional bond formed between two people who routinely engage in bondage. Especially if it’s any kind of 24/7 bondage. My Fiancée and I recently just started experimenting with male chastity and she’s been pretty keen on it so far (which was admittedly not what she expected). That, for instance, is a form of 24/7 bondage and we’ve been exploring the emotional state of that bondage and found it highly rewarding. There is certain tenderness and fragility of trust between any dom/sub and that, I find, is often the most rewarding experience associated with BDSM.
What is the best advice you would give to someone just starting out with BDSM?
Take your time. Start out slow and build up to more equipment or more gear during a scene. Most people gain knowledge of BDSM through the internet, but that is not a clear picture of what the reality is like. In reality, people have to pee, and people get stuffy noses and can’t always wear gags comfortably, or you’ll have a pinch in your arm just right and can’t comfortably wear the behind-the-back armbinder from Autumn’s Boutique that I so love. It’s not how it’s depicted in the world of porn, but that’s cool because it’s real and it’s way cooler when you’re really doing it with someone and you’re both having fun. Don’t just stop after a scene either, do a google search for dom or sub drop and remember to engage in appropriate, intimate aftercare. BDSM is about the bonds between people.
What is your favorite gear, toy or lingerie item from sub-shop.com and why?
The Behind the Back Obedience Trainer is one of my many favorites. I love the harness ballgag too, but the trainer is great because it’s fast and easy to put on, which she likes, and it’s collar/cuffs/adjustable strictness for me, which I like. Her favorite item would probably be the Tiffany Blue Multiple Orgasm Belt.
What is the one sensual fantasy you haven’t lived out yet that you are excited to try?
I’d like to be dominated a little harder than where my Fiancée is currently at, but I’m confident with more time, patience, and understanding she’ll be more comfortable with her dominant side and be able to treat me a little more aggressively. It’s more of a top-from-the-bottom situation that we have right now, and she’s more comfortable with being submissive than dominant. I’d like her to discover her own unique mean streak and take a little more advantage of me, and I think with the new addition of a male chastity device, that side of her may be more able to blossom. She’s already enjoyed teasing and denying me a few times, and becoming creative and about the things she says and comments she makes. I definitely like the direction we’re going!
What’s your favorite knock-knock joke?
Orange you glad I didn’t say banana.
Gets me every time.
What is Eskimo ice?
I’m guessing it’s some kind of totally awesome shaved ice that I can’t get around here. Otherwise it’s Inuit lands, which they may or may not refer to as Eskimo Ice. Would make sense to me.