Please tell us a little bit about yourself – How would you describe your everyday vanilla life?
Everyday vanilla life is a challenge especially when it comes to having to set aside a large portion of what and who I am. The real challenge usually comes when a group of people at work, at a restaurant, or a group of friends says something about BDSM that is completely off base. I really want to speak up, however, I usually just clam up and let whomever end the thought or conversation without any input from me. Vanilla life normally just exists at work or amongst groups of friends. I am much, much happier when I have no restrictions on what thoughts I might have about ideas and concepts for BDSM activities.
When did you first realize you were into bondage?
I guess the true realization about what bondage was came about when I was 15 years old. My brother had purchased both Hustler and Chic magazines when he turned 18. I was immediately captivated by Mistress Jacqueline’s column in Chic. In addition, a small 1/8 page ad for an “Anything Goes” bondage phone sex service completely gripped me. It was of a submissive woman who was laying on a table or bed. There were 3 or 4 sets of hands tying her up, touching her, and doing other various things. I’m still on the hunt for this ad.
A little earlier, when puberty hit, I learned what masturbation was by seeing my brother engaged in it. In addition, one of two of my classmates had mentioned masturbation. I began to experiment and found my mother’s facial kit. It was essentially a vibrator with attachments to cleanse and massage various parts of the face. A mushroom-shaped attachment and a 2” wand attachment were what I originally had explored with and achieved my first orgasms with. Around this same time I had started tying myself to the bed using bits of rope and my mother’s old pantyhose. I was quite resourceful, however, looking back, I now realize how dangerous self-bed-bondage really was.
How you best describe yourself and why? Your choices are: Dominant, Submissive, Switch or Fuzzy Rainbow Unicorn.
On paper I am a 50/50 switch. In reality I am Top-leaning, though I do bottom on a dime when one of my friends and I engage in what I consider “fuck around” play. It’s merely the two of us chatting about something new to her toy arsenal, or something new that she has crafted.
I prefer to not use the terms Dominant or submissive because of how my roles in the BDSM community were formed and are at present.
My leaning in the BDSM communities I have joined and am part of, started out with sensual sensation play. I have not ever bottomed for the type of sensation play that I administer. While it’s something that I really want to experience, being on the receiving end in pure sensual sensation play is still on my bucket list.
Do you feel that your desire for bondage is more physical or emotional? (please elaborate)
Hmm… I guess before going any further, I must state that any and all activity is very connective. I jump into a “space” when engaged.
Having said that, the “space” is different based on what type of bondage I am engaged in. When I am engaged in artistic or methodical rope rigging of only the receiver’s body and it’s a chatty experience, there are both physical and emotional connections. The emotional connection is typically a meeting of the minds, and an exchange of thoughts, feelings, and ideas regarding what is going on, why, and how the receiver is doing. Regarding the physical aspect, applying rope to the receiver’s canvas in methodical restraint or in an artistic manner has various levels based on how well I know them and our comfort levels.
Personally, my desire for bondage is physical with regards to how and why I am restrained in a certain way. Restraint itself is very sexy. I very much crave an emotional connection when desiring restraint.
What does BDSM mean to you: is it a lifestyle, a diversion, or something else?
BDSM is definitely a lifestyle, and very much part of me. I prefer to refer to it all as “kink” versus going by the defined terms that make up the acronym. During my second go-around of college I had to take a psychology class. For our final paper we were asked to choose a specific topic and write a 5-page paper on it. I ended up writing a much longer paper based around “nature or nurture” regarding my relationship and development with kink. I traced it back to an incident in preschool where they had this cutesy blindfold they wanted to put on us to do a taste test. It was all about developing the senses. I was completely freaked out and refused. This blindfold incident along with various things through my life showed that part of it was in my nature, though birth, but a lot of that was then nurtured through experiences. Just-Dan in kink makes for a very happy and honest person.
Were lovers accepting of your interest in bondage?
This is what stopped me for a long while. I put this interview down for a bit because I have issues in my past with my ex that I had to resolve in my mind before I could go forward. Life has gotten better, so I am able to pick this interview up again.
So, to the question… When I met my ex-wife, I was shy but I was able to express my desires to her. I was what I later learned to be called a switch. There was no “lifestyle” attachment to my desires, only what I knew to be called “love bondage.” True, I had seen some print materials, but when I met her there was no wide Internet yet. There were newsgroups, there were magazines, there were videos, and there was my imagination.
We would play around on a four-poster bed in her parent’s basement. We knew nothing about the safety protocols and all. I tied using what I knew from theater, and she tied just well enough to restrain me to the bed. It was all in good fun, and it was very connective, but those were the early years. As I later gained access to newsgroups and the world wide web, a more serious tone started to come over from me, and what she thought was simple playing around was something that I completely associated with and wanted more of in our lives and relationship. We definitely weren’t on the same page, and what I wanted to share wasn’t something she was interested in. I take the blame for it because I became very shameful of my likings and never wanted to talk about anything. We were together for 17 great years, and we let each other go on separately in life.
After our divorce I joined the local Buffalo community and eventually met the wonderful woman I am with now. Having met in the BDSM community made that part of the relationship much easier since we were out and had mutual wants and needs from the beginning. We are together, now, and are growing in many wonderful ways.
Please briefly describe your first bondage experience.
My very first bondage experience was a self-bondage experience when I was exploring my sexuality, when I started to come of age. I restrained myself to my bed using old pantyhose and such. At the very least I wish I had known about safety and such, as I found myself self-tied too well and had a bit of trouble getting myself freed.
What was your best bondage experience?
My best bondage experiences have been when I have been able to rig up some of my community friends and share my love of rope with them.
What is the most creative safeword you have ever used?
I refrain from using uncommon safewords. Stop means “STOP!” “FUCK” means that I should pause and see what’s up. Red, yellow, and green, the common words are what I use and they’re perfect since everyone knows them.
What do you feel is most important about the experience of bondage?
The utmost important aspect of the experience of bondage is being aware and safe. After that, creating an escape or facilitating restraint that allows one to float off into peace for a bit in a very connective way is what’s most important.
What is the best advice you would give to someone just starting out with BDSM?
The best advice I would and have given to people starting out is to take it slow and enjoy oneself. There is no hurry. This is not a race. Take time to watch, learn, observe, and ask questions either in trusted forums online, of local community members, or of friends who might be into BDSM in some way. Rushing in and trying to experience everything at once without understanding the what's, the whys, the how's, and everything else may seem harmless, but naivety in BDSM is very dangerous in my opinion.
What is your favorite gear, toy or lingerie item fromsub-shop.com and why?
My favorite gear from sub-shop are the 701A Deluxe Locking Leather Wrist Cuffs I bought as my very first purchase from the sub-shop. I want to say that I bought them in or around 2000, I think. Anyway, however old they are, they were crafted with love in the USA. They’re wonderful shape and I use them all of the time. Equally as favorite are the 4729A Suspension Bondage Leather Wrist Cuffs. These are beefy and secure, and they have two attachment points, and they’re also made with love in the USA.
I use both of these sets of cuffs for above the head positioning, secured to chain or a spreader bar. I also use them for positioning on the bed, or on a table. There are many different ways ones can position someone using really great quality cuffs like the 701A and 4729A cuffs.
What is the one sensual fantasy you haven’t lived out yet that you are excited to try?
I want to be able to mutually meet and explore someone for the first time in a dark room. I don’t want us to speak, wear any identifiable scents or such, and just enjoy the experience. It doesn’t need to have any sexual activity involved. This would be a consensual experience that would be set up by our very close friends.
What’s your favorite knock-knock joke?
I seriously do not have one.
What is Eskimo ice?
(To be fair I have not Googled this.) Is it ice cream?
Is there anything else you would like to share with us such as advice, thoughts or more knock-knock jokes? We are all ears and ball gags.
From the very beginning, when I first discovered the Sub-Shop, I have always been very appreciative of the fun and sensuality conveyed through the various writings, pictorials, and presentations. What Autumn and her associates have done and continue to do with the Sub-Shop is very important, because fun is what it is all about. In addition, Autumn has provided the absolutely best experiences over the years, she is always there when I’ve had questions and comments, and I truly know that what she does is out of LOVE!!! Thank you so very, VERY MUCH!!! :-D