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Meet Jefe

Please tell us a little bit about yourself – How would you describe your everyday vanilla life?

A little about myself then, all right. I'm a happily married man of some 17 years. I'm all of 45 years of age, with a wife five years my senior. We chose not to have children, but instead have professional careers that have spanned decades. A successful, high-pressure career can be rewarding, but can also burn you out if you let it. Balancing work and play is important if you want to get through it (or so I've found). Fortunately my wife and I both recognize this, and we don't allow each other to get too caught up in the rat race. Having a partner in life as well as in the bedroom means that I'm not only lucky, but we get to work out our frustrations on each other without the typical stigma (that's an important distinction, as we only live in the BDSM world part time). If for instance I've had an abnormally bad week, I might come home on Friday and say “It's been a rough week, I need to be tied up...”. Or sometimes I might just get myself cuffed and let her find me when she gets home. Non-judgmental and understanding on both sides. And no matter how busy we are, we always make time for play. We do our best in our day-to-day vanilla lives to counterbalance each other’s needs. Mostly we're successful...

When did you first realize you were into bondage?

It was about middle school (which would have been the mid-eighties). Of course I didn't know what 'bondage' was at the time, as we didn't have the INTERNET yet. I had no words to describe what I was feeling, only that I liked it (both to control and to be controlled). My wife was not aware of 'bondage' as a 'thing' until we started dating seriously, at which point I brought out the leather cuffs and introduced her. I had been playing for a couple of years by then, and knew that to have a real future with someone they had to respect that play.

How you best describe yourself and why? Your choices are: Dominant, Submissive, Switch or Fuzzy Rainbow Unicorn

I'm tempted to go with the Fuzzy Unicorn just for grins and giggles; I do have to say however, that I'm a switch. What's more interesting is that my wife has found that she is also a switch. Now while generally I'm Top while she's Sub, we can both changes gears easy enough. That does make for some interesting developments though... Some of our best sex is when we both want to be Doms and end up fighting for it (I usually win as I'm bigger, stronger and fight dirty). Of course the opposite is also true, when we both want to be topped it can lead to some fairly unimpressive coupling. There's that 'finding the balance' thing again, both in meeting your partner’s needs as well as getting your own needs met. Subs can be so demanding and impertinent sometimes; I swear, they must think this is all about them...

Do you feel that your desire for bondage is more physical or emotional? (please elaborate)

Good question, and one that touches on that principle of balance I seem to keep going on about. I've found over the years that my desires for 'why do bondage' changes as the need develops. Sometimes, a hectic week with demanding deadlines and stressful contracts- finds me needing the physical release of being bound and worked over. Sometimes it's about taking the time to reconnect with my wife while I have her strapped down on the massage table for long teasing oil rubdown. Figuring out your need is one thing, being able to scratch that itch; now that's something else again. It's like having a craving for a certain food, and not getting any. You can eat something else, but the craving is still there. It won't go away until it's satisfied, and it only grows with time until you finally give in. So, emotional or physical? I say yes to both.

Were lovers accepting of your interest in bondage?

I practiced self-bondage before I had lovers (of course I didn't know what 'self-bondage' was, just that I liked it). I had little success with females my own age, as they were 'girls'; and I wanted 'women'. Serious relationship potentials had to have an element of bondage (and other related fetishes) in order to be considered. I lacked experience, but had great enthusiasm, and a burning desire to live the BDSM lifestyle. I had little to balance that desire early on, and left several partners because they could not live up to my expectations. Many years passed before I learned to temper my desire with patience. It was only then that I could be with a partner and introduce her to my desires (and understand hers), so that we might grow together. That partner has been with me ever since.

Please briefly describe your first bondage experience

I don't have a clear memory of my first experience, only snippets from that time in history. I was a boy scout, so I had to get good with my knots somehow (lots of practice). I recall pulling apart old furniture pillow casings to get at the PVC piping inside. I liked the color, and the way it felt, but it was slick and didn't hold a knot well. I practiced lacing the cord around my arms and legs in a spider web pattern (I learned about Shibari much later.) Such was my time spent 'learning the ropes' until I came of age to visit the local 'Adult' shops and found movies and magazines devoted to all sorts of interesting things- including things that I only thought were in my mind.

What was your best bondage experience?

Hmmm.... 'Best’ is elusive. I've been fortunate enough to have done many things over the years, including: multi-day scenes with elaborate set-ups and custom built dungeon equipment; forced chastity with cross-dressing; prolonged tease and denial with milking; suspension swings; stockades; pillories; racks; whips & chains, etc. I've also done simple, elegant scarf ties and bondage so delicate it doesn't look like bondage at all (think spider wire fishing line). Some are more memorable than others, but most have elements that make them unique (I try not to repeat a performance too often, lest I get bored). I can remember the first time my wife was in a swing, she was so frightened that the overhead spring might fail and drop her that I had to get on the swing with her to prove it could take the weight (I do like to over-engineer my equipment). I remember being in the Poconos one time, tied to one of those round beds, watching my wife sunbath just on the other side of the closed glass door (of course she put on a delightful show for me). I recall taking her from behind one night while on another vacation, with her parents in the next room (drapery sashes and robe ties work well along with a trouser belt as improvised bondage gear). Best? What is best? Whatever comes next…

What is the most creative safeword you have ever used?

I tend not to over think the 'safeword' too much. You can outsmart yourself if your not careful. I try to stick to the standard 'Green, Yellow, Red' status codes, with the safeword only used as a 'FULL STOP'. We make sure each of us knows the safeword at the start of each session, regardless of how many times we've done this. It's like putting on your seatbelt when you get in the car, it should be automatic. As long as it's simple and both parties understand the commands; we use “bubbles” frequently. Sometimes we'll improv if the location inspires it (while staying at Disney for instance, the safeword might be “Aurora” which was the name of Sleeping Beauty).

What do you feel is most important about the experience of bondage?

Just that, the experience of Bondage is the most important. You can read about it all you want, watch movies and download clips... but until you feel the rope pulling your legs apart, until you feel the steel collar around your neck. Until you experience the trust necessary to place control of your body in the hands of another (or have them trust you that much). Until you experience Bondage, it's like a gorgeous looking slice of chocolate cake behind a storefront window. You can imagine how good it tastes, but you don't really know unless you dig in. Just remember the napkins, eating cake with your hands cuffed behind your back can be messy.

What is the best advice you would give to someone just starting out with BDSM?

Welcome to the party, grab a drink and pull up a chair. There's a lot of stuff out there and it's easy to get overwhelmed. Take your time and don't try and do everything all at once; and don't try and be everything to everyone. Figure out what feels good for 'you', what trips your trigger. This is a process, a journey; an evolution if you will. Where you are now is not where you will be a year from now. With apologies to Lewis Carroll “It's no use going back to yesterday, I was a different person then”. Enjoy the ride, and if you're lucky you may just find someone worth sharing it with.

What is your favorite gear, toy or lingerie item from sub-shop.com and why?

I'm always on the lookout for new and innovative gear. Sometimes I just visit shops for the ideas the items may inspire. While I have had a good amount of gear and toys in my time, they do require regular maintenance and periodic replacement. In the last couple of years shopping at the sub-shop, I have been continually impressed with the PVC collars and straps and associated gear. We have since almost completely replaced our traditional leather cuffs and whatnot with the sub-shop PVC gear. I have also purchased a number of the longer length buckling straps solely for the purpose of crafting gear not currently otherwise available. I've found the PVC to be thick enough to properly distribute weight, while being flexible enough to provide give to the cuffed body part. They are easily modified with a clean soldering iron and leather punch, and clean up very easily (leather can get icky). Three cheers for plastic!

What is the one sensual fantasy you haven’t lived out yet that you are excited to try?

I would love to get my wife bound to another woman (69) while teasing them both to orgasm repeatedly.

What’s your favorite knock-knock joke? Not a knock-knock joke aficionado, but I liked this one:

Knock Knock
Who's There?
(sexy voice) Who would you like it to be?

What is Eskimo ice?

I've no idea honestly, and judging from the other responses I've read, few others do either. It does, however, inspire me get the wife to give me a snowjob. Now to go find a pair of handcuffs and crush some ice.

Is there anything else you would like to share with us such as advice, thoughts or more knock-knock jokes? We are all ears and ball gags.

So much stuff, so little time... The internet has been a real boon for sharing knowledge and experience. Whereas magazines and publications can only relay concepts one-way (to the reader), the internet creates this flashy interactive environment that allows people from around the world to expand their horizons at an almost inconceivable rate. And yet with that capability comes the very real danger of losing oneself in the fray. Build your experiences at your own pace, find your own way; and make no excuses for it. And wherever the journey takes you, remember “The number one job of the dominant is to continually seduce consent from the bottom.” -Joseph Bean