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Sharing your BDSM Fantasies

Introducing the idea of bondage and BDSM to your partner can be a bit nerve wracking. Whether is a new partner with whom you want to share your lifestyle or an old one that you want to get interested in this newfound passion of yours, we can all agree is not the easiest thing in the world. The good news is: that’s what I’m here for, to make the process less intimidating wink*.

To begin with, you cannot expect someone to be automatically excited and turned on by the things you find arousing. If you are lucky enough that your partner shares those same interests, then great. But chances are it won’t happen overnight. First, you should always talk about things honestly and openly. Begin by introducing the subject to them; remember, this is a person you trust and this is just a little talk.

Now, I know that it can be a bit intimidating talking about sexual fantasies and desires, but as I said before, keep in mind this is just someone you love and trust, so no biggies there. If this is a new partner, you may want to discuss these things before the relationship advances. I don’t mean to discuss it on the first date (not exactly first date chatter wink*), but do talk about those fetishes when you can feel the relationship moving forward. Remember, all relationships are based on trust and honesty, so it will be better to get that out of the way early on and not 50 years down the line…”by the way, I have always loved being tied up during sex…” What’s more, if BDSM is a pretty big deal in your life and is something non negotiable for you, in a way that your partner must share it, talk about it with your potential partner before wasting their (and yours!) time.

Whatever your situation is, keep in mind no one likes to be surprised with a flogger during sex (unless is an old partner and you know what they like, by all means do so wink*), so the element of surprise is not welcomed here. Discuss it first and give them some time to reflect and think about it; after all, you have already had some time to process that interest of yours, already learnt about yourself and what your particular brand of BDSM is. Explain to them all of these things, what is that interest you about the lifestyle, what are the things that turn you on, how it all began, etc.

After that brewing process of taking up all that information (cheers, ha ha), talk to them and see how they feel. If they are reluctant about it, calmly discuss with them what is it they don’t like. It can be a social or psychological element there that makes them reject the idea, for example. Or maybe is they don’t find your brand of BDSM particularly attractive or maybe their fetishes are different from yours. That is why you will need to discuss it.

You could also try experimenting a little bit and make them try a session for them to see how is like. Nothing intense and hard-core, of course (don’t bring out the big guns) just give them a little taste. It’s probably not a good idea to start with gags and tight restraints. You can start by using some Velcro restraints; no hand or ankle metal cuffs because they may be a bit painful, and tie them to the bed. Or maybe you can have them use those things on you first. You can also use a scarf instead of a leather blindfold; the idea is to show them relinquishing control is actually arousing and a good thing. You could lay them down on the bed with a blindfold and their hands tied up and start to tease them and deny them, setting the right mood for them to arouse will be key, of course. Demonstrating that being in your control and vulnerable will actually bring them a lot more pleasure.

After those experimental sessions, talk to them and ask them how they felt, what they enjoyed and what they didn’t like. Being patient is probably for the best, because it can take some time for them to accept that new information. Always communicate how you guys are feeling, especially after a session. Don’t rush things, just go with the flow. In every relationship compromises have to be made and the best path is to meet halfway; mix things up and incorporate things into the bedroom that will make the both of you the happiest. Maybe use a blindfold every once in a while? Re enact some role playing fantasies? If they enjoy vanilla sex a bit more, compromise in a way that will bring the two of you to the peak of pleasure. The key is to communicate.