By Annabel Lee
I can clearly recall the night I had my first orgasm. At that time, my parents had just upgraded the cable, and our free trial of Cinemax, or Skinemax as my brother joked, was still on going. Since I was a night owl, I would often flip through the guide in search of the latest and greatest, but one night I saw a title that was quite...arousing. While I don’t remember the exact name of the movie, I imagine the wording looked like the search bar of a horny teenager on Pornhub for the first time.
Needless to say, it got my attention.
The scene that really lit the fuse was centered around a guy who was supposed to be a “nerd”, when really he was just a hunk with a pair of reading glasses. While I was utterly infatuated with him at first, I couldn’t believe the twist the story had taken when he stumbled into a room with not one, but two women, mid coitus. At this point, I was experiencing heart palpitations at the thought of my parents walking in at any moment, but that never happened. Instead, as I watched the softest of softcore porn, I came. I felt like I had entered a new stage of womanhood, much like when one loses their virginity, but instead of leaving the experience unsatisfied, I was filled with ecstasy.
After this, I kept searching for this feeling every single night, but I started to have some trouble finishing. I wanted something more, something carnal. A savage spirit inside me yearned for domination. My search to quell this feeling began to escalate gradually as I’d see something that would make me pulse from excitement. While I began to understand what turned me on, I was horribly embarrassed by it all. I was in a constant state of paranoia, worrying about someone finding out about my secret. Did I remember to delete my history? Did I change the channel? Did my phone somehow glitch and send the video I was watching to my immediate family members?
Luckily, none of this happened but after awhile, videos and pictures could only do so much. I sought after sex like a Succubus. My ability to capture the attention of men was mainly due to my strong, wild personality. Yet, one New Year's Eve party later, and I was finally tamed. Everything I had seen and wanted and yearned for was finally experienced. This guy did not seem like a Dom to me, but after a long night of drinking and flirting, he wrapped his hands around my throat, and I loved it.
We saw each other a few times after that, but I never wanted to broach the subject of what exactly was happening. This total loss of control I felt was so erotic, yet it never went beyond spankings and choking. Still, it was the first taste of BDSM that I had ever experienced up close and personal. I soon realized I could never return to conventional, vanilla sex. The fear of my secret began to plague me once more. I loved to be dominated and controlled, but I was sure something was wrong with me. There was no way that that was considered normal, sexual behavior, and I was sure if I told any man some of my kinks, he would laugh at me.
Then, I ventured into my first serious relationship. Previously, I had never wanted to be locked into anything, but I believe this was because I felt like I had created this image of a fiercely independent woman whose motto was “Fuck ‘em n chuck ‘em”. I moved away, and essentially felt like I could step outside of the mold I had created for myself. I was so afraid of someone finding out I was a sub, I developed an extremely dominating personality to make up for it.
At first, I jokingly expressed the joys of being choked during sex. By his reaction, I knew, he was like me, but different. At first the sex was very vanilla. The craziest thing we’d do in bed was he’d tug lightly on my hair. Eventually, as I became more comfortable, I’d peel back a layer of myself to expose to him and we would explore. By experimenting with what I liked, he found what he enjoyed, and it worked out perfectly. Throughout our relationship, I’ve realized communication is key, and pushing the boundaries I formed because I was embarrassed, would allow me to experience true ecstasy.
Anal was a big step. Previously, I had hated the idea with a burning passion, disguised it as something completely abnormal. The only people who ever even went near there were disgusting, gross individuals, I thought. Now, I understand my abhorrence was a cover for the truth. When my boyfriend offered to test the waters, I jumped at the chance. Eventually, I found out I didn’t mind it, and decided to lay everything on the table. I broke down all the barriers I had previously created, tired of hiding everything I liked from the person I trusted most. I wanted to savor the sensations that different kinks could bring out. We decided vanilla was a forbidden flavor, and it was time to explore our taste buds.
As I look back on my journey from my first orgasm to a place of sexual satisfaction, I wish I would’ve just spoken up. There were years of unfulfilled sexual desires that I tried to enjoy, only to be disappointed in the end. Ultimately, finding that person who you can trust and understand physically, emotionally, and mentally is the key to unlocking yourself sexually, and finally experiencing all of the temptations you so desired.