They say that variety is the spice of life. Some perceptive (smartass) individuals would like to point out that spices are a personal preference and that everyone has their favorites. Personally I would add to that famous old saying, instead changing it to, ‘variety is the spice of your sex life.’ – Surely you saw that coming *wink*. Variety is natural, variety is everywhere and variety keeps things interesting. From the food we eat – I had chocolate covered bacon the other day (it was revolting) – to the cars we drive, variety surrounds us.
It has always surprised me that in the majority of kinky relationships, participants are often given the monotonous, standardized and simple label of ‘submissive’. Subs come in all shapes, sizes, mindsets and creeds – and certainly no two are the same. The submissive label has evolved as a simple and effective way to highlight the sexual power roles within a BDSM relationship. In general however there are four main categories of submissive which not only dictate what gets them going, but also how a Dominant can use this to their advantage. These are broad categories and each will have their own sub divisions (get it?). For each I will offer a description based upon personal experiences and then offer a couple of positives and negatives tendencies for each:
- The Casual Submissive
Casual Submissives like being told what to do, both in the bedroom and outside of it. They tend to be very laid back and relaxed individuals. A casual submissive wouldn’t necessarily seek out kink if their partner weren’t kinky but still very much enjoy their partners kinky side. They don’t really have specifications for toys, limits and scenarios but are very devoted partners and eager to please their Dom. Many Dom’s prefer this type of submissive because they are able dictate other aspects of the submissives life due to their relaxed attitude.
Pros: relaxed, low maintenance submissive.
Cons: often so laid back the dominant can sometimes question their willingness.
- The Pain Connoisseur
Pain is the name of the game! ‘You call that a whipping!?’….’But I feel bad doing it any harder’. Pain Connoisseurs can never get enough. Aggression, elaborate scenarios, humiliation and various tortures are all top of their pleasure list. The toys Pain Connoiseurs naturally gravitate towards are whips, chains, clamps and elaborate hardware. Pleasing a Pain Connoisseur can be an enjoyable, but very demanding challenge. As a pain session continues, boundaries between pleasure and pain are blurred for the submissive as they get closer and closer to their eventual threshold.
Pros: you rarely have to hold back.
Cons: Pain Connoisseurs have a way of being very demanding, which some Doms can find frustrating and undermine a scene.
In the same way that some Golfers require 6 sets of clubs, 30 wildly colored sweaters and more golf balls than days in the year – Gear Freaks love bondage gear almost as much as the elaborate sessions they envision with all that gear. Every toy imaginable ranging from cuffs, whips and spreader bars all the way down to the smallest pieces of hardware such as tiny padlocks and straps is important to a Gear Freak. Do you think 6 different pairs of cuffs is a bit excessive? Well a Gear Freak would casually explain to you that each different set differs in size, material, strictness and comfort, making each perfect for different scenes and positions. Shame on you J
Pros: equipped for virtually every fantasy and fetish!
Cons: all that gear can be expensive
- The Material Monster
There are two main materials which absolutely dominate this category and I am sure that without too many hints you can guess what they are: Leather and latex. Undeniably sexy, even to vanillas (those who haven’t yet discovered their kinky side I like to say), these body hugging materials have an allure that to some submissives – and Dom’s for that matter - can be overwhelmingly erotic.
Cons: sessions often can’t be as spontaneous.
Even though I have outlined the four major categories of sub, the reality is that no submissive will fit routinely into a single category. Just as with all the variety we see in the World, submissives come in just as many shapes and sizes. Most subs are in fact a mixture of two or three of the above categories. Personally I am a delightful (if I may say so myself) mix between 1, 2 and 3 with a sprinkling of 4. What you will find is that as a submissive mindset develops (and it is always changing and developing), they will jump between categories and specific interests. Don’t worry! Not only is this completely normal (would you still wear your clothes from the 90’s? Errr no) it is fundamental to what keeps bondage, fetishes and BDSM so exiting, interesting and appealing. Embrace your submissive in all their perfect imperfectness! Let them dictate to you their ever changing spice of life.
Written by JTB