Ah, the joys of parenthood that no one really talks about. The sleepless nights, the year of shirts with white spit up marks on them (I tried to make them a fashion statement but for some reason it never really caught on with Vogue or Glamour), the mind numbing cries for attention and food in the night. Being a new parent, you know that the list goes on and on. And on.
Just because you are having difficulty adjusting to the all encompassing life of being a new parent doesn’t mean that your life as you know it has to totally end. Well, yes in some ways it does, but it other ways, it’s just enhanced. At least that is what I used to like to tell myself during the 1am, 3am and 5am feedings. And guys, that is just what I am getting at.
A New Mom’s Perspective for the Men:
Do we want to have sex with you right now? Umm…not particularly. We just pushed a bowling ball out that now needs our constant attention. And we want to give it our attention. Most woman have been trained and are just naturally hard wired to put all of their needs behind everything of that of a new baby. And have you seen their toes? Or the cute little diaper butt? That is why. We think it’s adorable, magical and tear rendering beautiful, that they need us. Having a child deeply fulfills most woman (not all) woman.
It’s kind of like the ultimate fulfillment of what we feel we are supposed to be doing. The nine months of waiting is a long time and we want to cherish the baby. Yes, we are exhausted and worn out. Our bodies are recovering and we feel about as sexual as a bag of potatoes left on the store shelf too long. But give us time. Rest is really what we really need. I still maintain that the sexiest thing a man can to say to a woman is, “why don’t you go take a nap, I’ve got this”. That is 100% porn for new moms.
We still love you an want to be with you during this time. It’s just that our brain is not thinking in this way. We are self-conscious about our tummys and how huge our breasts have become since the milk came in. It may seem like a bonus point for you, but on our end it hurts. A lot. Not only that, it hurts to walk and our lower backs from carrying all that extra weight during the last 9 months are a bit of a mess. But we are so thankful that the heartburn and the odd cravings for picks are gone, as well.
To be blunt, even though it may seem like she doesn’t need you at this time, she does need you. It’s just in a different way. She needs you to be emotionally supportive, and to treat her with kindness and love. I know it may seem like you have been pushed out of the picture and that it can seem incredibly frustrating. Having a baby was supposed to bring you closer together but right now you feel miles apart. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Just allow for that for right now, your relationship has changed.
What she needs from you is nurturing because is giving all of her nurturing to the baby. When she is laying on the couch and looks half dead, lie and tell her she looks like an angel instead of a woman who had just spent two weeks in a war zone. Run a bath for her and light some candles. Rub her feet and tell her what a great mom she is, and you can’t believe how lucky you are to have the baby and what an amazing mother she is.
Can you sense a theme here? If you want your wife back to the way she used to be, you have to help her get there. Right now, she feels a bit like a creature from the black lagoon. Your encouragement, love and caring will mean everything to her. And it will help to change your relationship as well. By taking the small steps to make her feel loved and nurtured, you are helping to heal her as she was just through one of the most painful and life changing events in the world. And whatever you do, please do not star at the nurse’s ass in the hospital. I don’t care how many drugs they gave her to deal with the pain. She will notice. Remember, “it’s you and and only you baby that I have eyes for”.
And no, you can’t send the baby back. We tried. Several times. It turns out that hospitals have a terrible return policy. I think they picked that up from Best Buy.
For New Moms, Why Your Husband is not technically being a Dick – even though it may feel like it sometimes.
The best advice I can give to a new mom is porn is your friend. Guys think about sex all the time. You know how much you think about your baby? That is how much guys think about sex. I’m not joking. And considering that we couldn’t even hardly sit or sleep, the last three months we weren’t an exact joy of a sex goddess to be around. Did we enjoy sex during this time, sometimes. Especially if it meant that it helped to trigger labor. (some of you ladies know what I’m talking about during that 9th month…when it seems like it will nnnnnevvverrrr be over…)
Getting back to how porn is your friend….your guy watching porn is harmless. Let him go into his office with the door closed and don’t ask any questions. Don’t check his computer and don’t even ask him about it. It’s his outlet. You have your outlet by ohhhing and ahhhing over cute little baby fingers, and for him, as the hunter, he wants to hunt. And man’s favorite thing to hunt is the female.
Luckily, he’s already hunted you. He’s made a baby with you and that’s a huge thing for a guy because to them that means giving up a sense of independence. But here’s a dirty little secret – MEN FEAR YOU WON’T NEED THEM ANYMORE. And it scares the hell out of them. “Why would she need me if she has the baby”, I’ve heard many men’s thoughts say. Well, we do need them. It’s just in a different way right now.
It’s really hard to think about sliding into a sexy latex dress with some hot ballet boots, or a saucy black teddy when your are super tired and feel like you just ran four marathons back to back. But what’s really important to remember, is that your needs have changed physically as you are healing and recovering from the birth but his haven’t.
Men are naturally hard wired (pun intended!) to want to have sex. It’s just who they are. If they can’t have sex with you, porn is a great substitute. Just because he is in his room with the door locked doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be with you. It’s actually the exact opposite.
The terrible thing about porn is that it meets no emotional needs, other than a release. He can’t hold Jenna Jameson or have her touch him back. And he wouldn’t want to anyways. For men, porn is an outlet. It’s not the enemy, it’s your friend. It’s what helps him to get his “release”, so he doesn’t have to feel so agitated that your relationship has temporarily changed. For those few short moments on the computer, he’s still “the man” in his head. He can swing from a sex swing and see hot lady parts that are currently being denied to him. During that 5 to 10 minutes, it doesn’t really matter. He’s not really thinking about how much he wants to be with them. He’s thinking about you. He wants to be faithful and to be okay. But that release and the lure of a quick sense of relaxation is a huge draw. So, sit down and snuggle with the baby. Let him go into a locked room for 10 minutes and come out with a bit of a smile.
It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with that he still desires you. You are just not there yet, so he is using porn as a placeholder. Think of it this way, he has set up a 5 course meal and can’t wait for you to come to the table. Your place card is out, the dinner is in the oven and he’s looking pretty fine in that chef’s apron (not to mention how cute his butt looks in those pants) . Rather than throwing the meal away, he’s just put it in the warmer drawer. It will be there for you, when you are ready. And my, oh my…..won’t it be wonderful.