Ask Autumn: About Swallowing Your Pride & Other Things… ;)

I promise I won't blab!

I'd like to hear from you if you have a question for me! I know when I first began playing in the D&S realm, I had a lot of questions! Ask me your questions from mild to wild - from everyday life to the out-of-the-ordinary. Also, please let me know if it's okay to post your question here so others can provide their feedback to your question and so that others who may have the same question (but may be too shy to ask) can benefit also. If you'd prefer to keep your question private, that's okay too! Some of the questions that I've been given permission to post are below. If you have a good response and would like to share it, please send it to me! If you'd like your advice to remain confidential, please note this in your response. To all of you asking your questions, thank you for your input. I hope this can be an open, honest forum providing good, sound advice based on real life experience bondage and fetish issues for those less experienced and curious, beginning bondsters.

C'mon, don't be shy - ask away! Still shy? Go to www.hotmail.com, excite, or one of many others email providers to get your own free anonymous mailbox that I and others can respond to. (See how easy this is?) Then come right back and find out what you want to know. (Please!)

Your bondage questions don't have to be posted here. Ask away and I'll try to get to them as quickly as possible! I won't let your secrets slip!

Do you have bondage or fetish questions for Autumn? Of course you do! *g*

Please send them to Autumn@sub-shop.com.

My husband and I have been married 4 years and have both become interested in BDSM and having a D/s relationship. The problem is, I am finding it hard to submit to him. He is not dominant, and although he tries to be, it doesn't seem to be working for us. I would consider myself a "switch", but because I am dominant most of the time, I find greater satisfaction in being a submissive in the bedroom. We have ordered and read many books together, but when we try to "play" with him in the role of my Master, it just doesn't feel right. Any suggestions?

From a Dom's POV, domming requires a lot of effort. I don't mean effort in a bad way, mind you! You must pay close attention to the sub's actions and reactions and direct the scene. I enjoy it immensely, but if it's not in your nature to do so, it may be considered more "work" than play. Perhaps your husband feels cheated, or feels as though you are getting all the fun and he's doing all the work.

It basically boils down to attention giving / getting. The person giving more than they receive (real or perceived) may feel very cheated and this leads to distancing, which means his heart probably isn't in it and therefore it's not going to be very good for either of you. You may feel as though he's not doing enough or the right things to please you as a sub.

This leads to the theory of "topping from below" or the sub directing the dom. Call it what you will, but it's all quite necessary at times, because as a Dom, I'm not a mind reader. I have plenty of ideas of what I want to do, but I rely on Autumn giving me hints or flat out telling me what she wants to experience at times. Then I put my evil little mind to work and create a scene for us. But it starts with communication. (I don't mean to be preachy here, but this is the key.)

Perhaps your husband would be perfectly comfortable in the Dom role if he felt as though he were getting what I'll call equal value for his efforts. Your submission could include something he enjoys and putting a D/s twist on it. For example, you could give oral sex while submitting (kneeling submissively, bound, whatever that may mean to you or him). This may seem like a lot of work to try to perform oral sex while bound, but remember, it's repaying his efforts in domming you. This is only a suggestion of course - perhaps he or you could come up with something very special to the two of you. Autumn does many little things daily to show that she appreciates me, so it doesn't have to be in the context of a scene. In fact, Autumn is most often bound so tightly she could do nothing for me even if I told her to. So, the trade-off can be anything you'd like it to be. Effort for effort.

Talk to your husband and let him know what you'd like – rough, gentle, a certain touch here, a slap or pinch there, etc. Go as far as to describe an entire scene if you've got one in your head. Put it in the form of a fantasy and discuss it when you're feeling sexual – put it in the right context. Men are suckers for women's fantasies! ;) He can't fulfill your expectations if he doesn't know what they are. Have him give you ideas on what excites him. It sounds like you already do this at least somewhat when reading stories together. Point out certain passages that excite you & have him do the same. If it comes down to it, Domme him and physically show him what you want. He may be very eager to "pay you back"!

Keep it light - make it play rather than work, then take it from there. Let the natural progression take it from perhaps holding your hands down to tying you with neckties or scarves to buckling on the wrist cuffs and hardware! :) Don't expect too much at once. Even if you've fantasized about it all your life or read a million books, it's a lot harder to do than it seems like and looks like! Besides, what works in fantasy may not work in real life - you have to work that out for yourselves. You're guaranteed to have some disappointments. I've done my fair share of less-than-perfect scenes. Nobody bats 1.000. Practice, practice, practice! (And don't expect too much at once!)

Hi Autumn,

First I must say, what a great site! I find I cannot switch on the PC without visiting you; as a female, I feel as if I am among friends.

Down to my question: I tend to be the dominant one, and I prefer females but have been the sub on many occasions for a male (and other times the Dom). I read of other people's experiences when with a male, and when it gets around to oral sex they can swallow the lot. I can suck him off with the best of them; I can drink and swallow sperm, no problem at all. But when it comes to deep throating the penis, my eyes are watering; I'm choking; and I have to abort the mission!

I read of other women, even very, very young ones, who can swallow a penis right down, then have their throat shagged till he ejaculates. But for me, as soon as a male approaches the back of the throat, I start to choke. Is it me or is every one else boasting? Am I doing something wrong? A very gentle male I know says it's all down to training but I am getting all worn out from training.

The second question I have is: is there a site were I can learn more advanced types of BDSM, preferably SM? I like to keep my new female sub guessing as to what is coming next plus adding a little more variation, and when with a male I like to be the one coming up with new ideas as I believe in the old saying, "no pain, no gain".

I hope you can help a poor gagging female who is also running out of new ideas. Loving you.

Be Good, Be Kind, Be Bound in Pleasure

Jenny

This will sound crazy, but it does work. Try panting (like a dog) – this suppresses the gag reflex. Tilting your head back, relaxing, and the standard hints you will find on the internet also help. Oh, and if the guy is really hairy, sometime shaving the tip of the shaft will help eliminate extra stimulus and make the experience easier on the sucker.

That said... A dental gag might be a good idea for the first couple of times, as sometimes the person realizes how far in something is and gags out of fear. This could result in a rather unfortunate situation :( Ring gags without a full harness sometimes have a nasty tendency of turning inwards if they are too small, so a ring gag might not be the best thing to use. Practicing on something else (something like #386A Fleshy 7" Soft Cock) is also strongly recommended.

Smoking irritates the throat so not smoking several hours prior to trying this will help.

C'mon - go ahead and send me your own questions! I may not be a world class therapist, but I am your BDSM friend who cares! Besides, the question you might be afraid to ask might be the same issue that someone else is dealing with who is also afraid to ask. So just do it!

I promise not to bite... Unless you want me to!