To Gag or Not to Gag?…and When?

Mike from Tulsa, sent me this great question —

«How far along in a relationship do you have to be before you can bring up gags in sex?»

As someone who has been both the gagger and the gagged, I think that gagging can occur pretty early. And generally if there is a good blow job involved, gagging has already taken place. *finger snap and a wink*

So how far do you really have to be along in a sexual relationship before you bring out the toys? I think it all depends upon where you are at and what type of a sexual relationship you are having. I’ve had wild one night stands that involved hanging from a hook (not kidding) and I’ve had relationships that lasted for months that were much more demure. The best rule of thumb is to always talk with your partner about where they are at. If you feel funny about that, or uncomfortable in anyway to talk to them about your sexual needs and desires — then maybe having sex with them is not a good option right now.

Sex should be fun and playful. If it ever begins to feel like work or inhibited in a not so good way, then it’s time to take a look at where your relationship is at. Sex is nature’s way of allowing adults to play, and if your sex does not feel like playing then I suggest you make it more playful. Bring out a sexy book. Take a bubble bath together. Simply take time to just enjoy each other. Bring it all back to the basics of what sexually attracted you to your partner in the first place. Relax, release and enjoy each other.

If you’re still feeling too tense to bring up the toys, I urge you to go ahead and talk about it anyways. Chances are your partner might be feeling the same way, but was too shy to bring it up themselves. Sexuality is all relative to who you are and what your tastes are. If you are interested in having sex with this person, that means that you already have some common ground. And with this common ground already established who is to say that the sexual common ground is not the same? They might be really excited about the idea of being gagged and just unable to get the words out. Of course, if you gag them correctly, they won’t be able to get the words out anyways… *heehee — or should I say, «Hmmmmpphhh-mmmpphhhHH!»*

For those of you who need a more exact guideline, I would save the toys until at least the 3rd sexual encounter. Make sure you talk it over with them first and if they are comfortable, bring out a little bit and see how it goes. Once that gets established, you can bring out even more. Don’t start by lugging out your secret sexual toybox that is filled to the top with your kinky treasures. That has the potential to freak out just about any new sexual partner, kinky or not. Bring out one or two pieces of the softer stuff and if they accept that well and you show them a good time with it, work your way up from there. If you’re looking for a good way to explore your kinky interests further, I’d suggest our Fetish Check List (once you’re a little further along in the relationship, of course!) All you need to do is print out this handy, dandy Fetish Check List, and suggest it to your lover over, say, a glass of wine (or the whole bottle! tee-hee), a little afterglow or just messing around and getting a little frisky. Picking the right time and setting the mood is important because you and your lover might not select an activity unless you or they are in the proper mood and therefore, the right frame of mind! *wink-wink*

Rope is a great kinky starting point for hot sex. It’s pretty common and has little shock factor for a new partner. Chances are if they’re even having sex, there has been some power exchange, domination and/or bondage involved somewhere. After all, rope bondage even got the mainstream nod in the very popular movie Bull Durham. Take a cue from Susan Surandon and tie up your lover and read them poetry. Then you can take turns tying each other up and he can return the favor and paint your nails at the same time. And if you haven’t seen Bull Durham, run to you video store now! It’s worth it for the kitchen sink scene alone, not to mention the hot bondage. Her strong will and confidence is one reason women love her so much — imagine the brownie points you could earn by being like that! *swoon*

Another page I’d highly recommend at this point is our «How Do I Get My Mate Into Bondage» page. No, it’s not how to use the cuffs or tutorials on tying them up — you likely already know how to do that, but you want to know how to get your partner to let you tie them up! *giggles* Well, this page is perfect for that. You can thank me later.

Now that you’ve worked your way up from rope and some milder bondage gear, you can bring out the gags. Start with a small one first. The basic ball gag is a good one and work your way up from there. Okay — so you say you’re feeling a little — no a LOT more adventurous and you need a hot idea? For a kinky twist, I recommend putting a latex hood over the top of a gag. It’s a little bit more severe and has a great fetish look that is all pure kink and sexy fun. Besides, they really are going to need something to muffle those screams…aren't they? Yes, I thought so. Besides, you can tell your girl this way she won’t get anything in her hair! *wink*

When you’ve explored your kinky side a bit more and are ready to take it beyond the gag, try out a hood in latex, leather, spandex, pvc, leatherette, canvas…