Ask Autumn: How to Balance Your Vanilla Life With BDSM

I promise I won't blab!

I'd like to hear from you if you have a question for me! I know when I first began playing in the D&S realm, I had a lot of questions! Ask me your questions from mild to wild - from everyday life to the out-of-the-ordinary. Also, please let me know if it's okay to post your question here so others can provide their feedback to your question and so that others who may have the same question (but may be too shy to ask) can benefit also. If you'd prefer to keep your question private, that's okay too! Some of the questions that I've been given permission to post are below. If you have a good response and would like to share it, please send it to me! If you'd like your advice to remain confidential, please note this in your response. To all of you asking your questions, thank you for your input. I hope this can be an open, honest forum providing good, sound advice based on real life experience bondage and fetish issues for those less experienced and curious, beginning bondsters.

C'mon, don't be shy - ask away! Still shy? Go to www.hotmail.com, excite, or one of many others email providers to get your own free anonymous mailbox that I and others can respond to. (See how easy this is?) Then come right back and find out what you want to know. (Please!)

Your bondage questions don't have to be posted here. Ask away and I'll try to get to them as quickly as possible! I won't let your secrets slip!

Do you have bondage or fetish questions for Autumn? Of course you do! *g*

Please send them to Autumn@sub-shop.com.

I've been in a vanilla relationship for over 10 years. Although I think I've been waiting all my life to become submissive and my husband more or less knows that my interests are there, he is unwilling to do more than pin my arms down occasionally when we have sex. In the past 2 years, his sexual interest has almost evaporated, in spite of my best seduction efforts and my expressed willingness to explore anything he wants to. Otherwise, we have a pretty good marriage and friendship (and kids).

8 months ago, a male acquaintance and I discovered our mutual and unfulfilled interests in exploring BDSM, and agreed to do so together, in such a way as to not endanger my marriage. We have been having an amazing time – sexually and psychologically it's the best thing I've ever done! However, the depth and intensity of the experience is hard to balance with the rest of my life and emotions.

So... my question is... is this "duality" (vanilla husband and a Master) a realistic, viable situation, or is it likely doomed crash and burn? Also... how do I handle my growing emotional attachment to my Master? He is trying hard to keep the "romantic" aspect out of our caring relationship, given my family attachments, and I don't blame him – but we both see this as a life-changing experience, and a potentially long-term D/s relationship. Is such a "balance" possible?

Regarding your current situation, I take it your husband doesn't know what's going on. Is he the jealous type? If he found out, would he want a divorce? I realize it's very difficult for you to make a decision here due to the lack of interest your husband shows in your sexuality. If you've basically spelled it out for him, there's not much else you can do. So based on that situation you'll have to decide how much you need this (Master/slave relationship and bondage play) in your life – how much a part of you it is.

This also relates to your question about whether this dual life you have may eventually be found out or go sour. How strong is your relationship with this male acquaintance? Is he married or seeing someone else or are you it? Will he want you for himself completely or is he always going to be fine with part-time play? If he wants more, you may have the makings of a soap opera scenario. Do you get along well outside the bondage play, or is it all basically sexual? Could you be as happy with him (outside of bondage play) as with your husband? I'm not trying to scare you here – just bringing up points for you to consider. Personally, I'm very happy that you've found someone to play with and that you're both very happy. Bondage (I think) is one of the most trusting things you can do with a partner and that "bond" of trust makes the relationship stronger.

The best advice I can give is to consider what makes you feel good and bad with your marriage and what makes you feel good and bad with your bondage play partner. The wildcard is your kids – consider how possible events may affect them and your relationship with them. Consider all the angles and whatever you decide, you'll be prepared for whatever comes.

I don't believe it's possible to not become emotionally involved, and that may create complications. If he's "trying" not to be emotional, that indicates he probably is already feeling those emotions and I suspect you are too (that's only natural). Your feelings for your Master will probably intensify as you become more deeply involved. Somewhere down the line, it will become a problem and you'll have to decide which life you prefer. I know that's not what you want to hear, but I've dealt with this before personally and sooner or later it all comes down to the "mine" principle (as in, your husband or Master wanting you to themselves alone). Your husband may find out, or your Master may become jealous of your husband who you're splitting your time with and demand more. But that's just my not-so-humble opinion. *g*

Either way, enjoy yourself - you only go around once and being happy rubs off on those around you. And that includes your Master, husband and kids.

I have seen many sites with total devotion to the fem-slave lifestyle. I am not submissive outside of the bedroom. Is this normal?

Yes, I think this is very normal and also very healthy. Many of the woman I have been in contact with only are submissive sexually. There really is not right or wrong. It is all just a matter of your comfort levels. If you feel comfortable and are happy, that is what is important, not so-called normalcy.

Being a sub doesn't mean you have to be one 24/7. Actually, it is impossible to act like a sub or a Dom(me) all the darn time! People think that I'm not a subbie, or at the least, not a good subbie because I'm so strong-willed and outspoken. I'm not the type to be a meek little lamb! But trust me, I am a sub at heart. Inside of me, I know. I know that the gift of submission (sounds preachy, I know!!!) that I give is something even more special because it is a certain aspect of me that the rest of the world does not see. When I submit to my Master, it is a show of love, respect and trust. I know that I am safe with him and I can let all my barriers down: be as weak as I want, be as strong as I want. In my opinion it is precisely because one can let the barriers down and be completely and brutally honest in words, thoughts, and actions that a D/s relationship rises into such an intense and emotional level.

We do live in a real world... and in the real world, we have to make adjustments to be able to live with it. No Master/Mistress is going to force handcuffs or a collar on a subbie while walking in a busy street, for example. I think you'd probably get arrested! Anyone who says that they are a Dom(me) or sub all the time is lying. I don't think people get that being a true subbie isn't about saying yes to people all the time and serving people hand and foot! We do have our own lives to live after all! We are all independent rational beings. What makes us a little more special is that we have this aspect of ourselves that we are not afraid to show when with the right people. We are completely comfortable with ourselves and need not be strong nor weak 24/7.

It is true that certain aspects of you reflect that lifestyle, but not all of it. Just like a profession, if one is a lawyer, there are traits of that that seeps through in your everyday life, but you are not a lawyer all the time. We all have different roles to play at a certain time. We are mothers, children, wives, friends, subbies, all rolled into one! (Well, the girls anyway... I don't think men will ever be able to stand 9 months and the delivery! *big grin*) Sometimes the roles collide and sometimes they don't. The fact that some roles do not join together does not make the role something that is inferior in your life.

C'mon - go ahead and send me your own questions! I may not be a world class therapist, but I am your BDSM friend who cares! Besides, the question you might be afraid to ask might be the same issue that someone else is dealing with who is also afraid to ask. So just do it!

I promise not to bite... Unless you want me to!