Ask Autumn: Talking About Desires in the Bedroom

I promise I won't blab!

I'd like to hear from you if you have a question for me! I know when I first began playing in the D&S realm, I had a lot of questions! Ask me your questions from mild to wild - from everyday life to the out-of-the-ordinary. Also, please let me know if it's okay to post your question here so others can provide their feedback to your question and so that others who may have the same question (but may be too shy to ask) can benefit also. If you'd prefer to keep your question private, that's okay too! Some of the questions that I've been given permission to post are below. If you have a good response and would like to share it, please send it to me! If you'd like your advice to remain confidential, please note this in your response. To all of you asking your questions, thank you for your input. I hope this can be an open, honest forum providing good, sound advice based on real life experience bondage and fetish issues for those less experienced and curious, beginning bondsters.

C'mon, don't be shy - ask away! Still shy? Go to, excite, or one of many others email providers to get your own free anonymous mailbox that I and others can respond to. (See how easy this is?) Then come right back and find out what you want to know. (Please!)

Your bondage questions don't have to be posted here. Ask away and I'll try to get to them as quickly as possible! I won't let your secrets slip!


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At last! Someone I can ask this strange question! Feel free to post this on the site because I wouldn't mind knowing what others think too.

Last year I was seeing a girl (I'm a 27-year-old male) and we weren't very compatible out of bed – we had affection and feelings but we weren't really in love, but we had this totally intense sex life. We were doing things which I now realize was a sort of Dom/sub situation. She totally loved being submissive (and of course said so) and I loved coming up with the ideas (I had a really good feel for what she'd like). It was like I had the control you have in a fantasy but with all the feeling of reality.

One night she said she'd really like to pretend like she didn't want what I was doing to her. I was shocked to find that it actually really, really scared me. She was so convincing, all I could think of was two past girlfriends who had told me about the time they got raped, or of my friend who got abused by his stepdad. Not sexy. I knew it wasn't real, of course, but just hearing the fear in her voice gave me the creeps and I just had to tell her to stop. It's crazy, because we'd done the kinkiest things, but before she'd be obviously loving it. And she'd love me calling her a dirty girl and whatever and I'd love it too, as long as she was obviously loving it. I'd always thought I had a good grip on fantasy and reality, but after that I thought maybe I didn't.

After that we didn't really see each other as much - mostly my fault: the ability to completely be each other's fantasy was a compelling bond, but it was our only bond, really. I kind of felt like I'd failed to keep up my side of some unwritten contract, so I sort of drifted away.

I'm writing because I don't want that to happen again! It sounded like a great idea and I love fulfilling someone's fantasies; I was probably just round the corner from a whole world I could never have imagined and which we could have explored together. If I can I sort my head out regarding this real/fantasy thing I reckon I'd have a lot more fun. Any ideas how I can do it? How do you do it?

Many thanks (and sorry it's so long and a bit grim),

Chris (

Hi Chris,

The idea is that it's fun for both of you and she also wouldn't want it or would feel violated if you did something to her she didn't enjoy. It's a two-way street.

The best thing to do is say that you're uncomfortable about it "for now". Leave the possibility open and if you feel comfortable telling her why, then talk about it. You may wind up working through it and doing it that night or a month or two from now, or whenever you're comfortable. Or you may not.

She needs to respect that just as you need to respect her limits. She also needs to communicate regarding things she might not want to do in the same way. Saying no doesn't mean forever.

Good luck and thanks for visiting my site!




Hello, Autumn and her Master,

First i would like to say that i have just found your site and am thoroughly enjoying all the information Y/you have to offer, from the letters, comments, links and, of course, products (some of which i just had to have *s*). But enough of that; let me get on with the reason i am writing Y/you. My husband and i have been together for quite a while and recently got married (including the 5 kids). We enjoy many aspects of the D/s lifestyle. The problem i am running into lately is that in the beginning i had to basically “get him into it” because i knew i had the desire to be dominated. Now he is totally into being a Dom, and tries very hard to give me what i want; the only problem is that i am not sure if what i want even exists or even if i am, in fact, submissive. i find myself resisting at every turn, testing to see if he can dominate me. i seem to fight everything he says just to see if he can make me do it and it seems to me that if i were truly submissive, i wouldn't fight so much. So i guess in short, what i am asking is, is my attitude normal or am i not submissive at all? Y/you may feel free to post this question if Y/you feel it will be of interest to anyone else and i thank Y/you in advance for any light you can shed on my confusion.



Thanks for your sweet comments on my site! I'm glad you enjoyed your visit and were able to find some interesting things here. :)

Regarding your desires, it's not entirely unusual. I've always had submissive desires, but I wanted the man to take charge and dominate me – I wasn't just going to give myself away, so to speak. Is your husband doing the types of things you want him to? Have you discussed the things you'd like to do? That he'd like to do? Sometimes, a lack of communication is the only problem. He may want to take it to the next level, but is worried if you will accept it or can handle it while you're getting frustrated that he's not. This is also a common problem.

Try talking through your mutual desires – which can be very exciting itself – and see what develops. Let him know you want to be taken and overpowered - "forced" to be his submissive in a fantasy sense. You may be surprised (and extremely happy) at what happens! :)



C'mon - go ahead and send me your own questions! I may not be a world class therapist, but I am your BDSM friend who cares! Besides, the question you might be afraid to ask might be the same issue that someone else is dealing with who is also afraid to ask. So just do it!

I promise not to bite... Unless you want me to!

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