Please tell us a little bit about yourself – How would you describe your everyday vanilla life?
My day-to-day life is a high stress management position for a global technology company. I manage people in the UK, Canada, Latin America, and the US. I have to make decisions that affect the company as a whole, the direction we take my area of expertise around the world, and directly affect my employees and our customers. I travel constantly and nearly always have to be “on”. I have three children, two in college, one finishing high school, and two dogs - one wonderful, one a gigantic pain in the ass (and not in a fun flogging kind of way.) I have an amazing husband who works for a competing technology company and works mostly from home, which helps us keep our kids and dogs from turning on us. His position is equally high pressure, minus the frequent travel requirements. He is my rock. He is also my Dominant.
When did you first realize you were into bondage?
I have always been pretty kinky. I knew in grammar school that I liked kissing both boys and girls. In high school I developed an exhibitionist streak. In college I found that I could only orgasm if I were on top and taking control - getting my hair pulled and the occasional bite never hurt, either. But really, I am a serious control freak in my daily life. Then I met my husband, the man who would not be controlled. He taught me the art of submitting and giving up control for a change. After days or weeks or sometimes months of having to be in constant control at work, I can pass all control to him, get out of my own head, and come back to center in his ropes and under his whip. I no longer have to be on top in every aspect of my life, which I found helps to maintain my sanity. I also found that I am a bit of a masochist. I have a very hard time reaching any kind of meaningful climax without a fair amount of pain. I guess I just crave balance.
How you best describe yourself and why? Your choices are: Dominant, Submissive, Switch or Fuzzy Rainbow Unicorn.
Submissive. I am incredibly dominant in my vanilla life, I have absolutely no interest in carrying that into my sexual life at all. Been there, done that, have no interest in turning more men into little girls, thank you. It is very balancing for me to have the dichotomy of dominant at work and submissive in bed and it is important to my own mental well being. Without my sub side turned on occasionally, I would likely be on all kinds of mood stabilizers and high blood pressure meds. It’s much more fun being tied up and forced to orgasm than to take a bunch of pills. :)
Do you feel that your desire for bondage is more physical or emotional? (please elaborate)
Bondage for me is more emotional. The physical is great, but it is the emotional side I can’t do myself. If it were just about having an orgasm or creating physical sensations, I could take care of that quite easily (and quickly) myself. What I can’t do myself in get me into that headspace where I am putting my trust, my pleasure, my pain, my safety, sometimes what feel as my very life in someone else’s hands, and elicit the mental sensations that accompany that level of submission. It is very emotional for me, and as I stated before, helps me find my center again. Some people use yoga to find their Zen, I prefer a rope and a riding crop. And from what I have heard, yoga frequently does not conclude with an orgasm. What’s the fun in that?
What does BDSM mean to you: is it a lifestyle, a diversion, or something else?
For me, BDSM is an escape. My husband and I don’t practice BDSM every time we have sex. We don’t have D/s relationship in our everyday lives, in front of our children or friends. We usually try to have a scene at home once or twice a week and then do some long weekends at BDSM events on the East coast once or twice a year.
Were lovers accepting of your interest in bondage?
I have only practiced BDSM with my husband, who turned me on to it initially, and I have no plans for that changing any time, ever.
Please briefly describe your first bondage experience.
My husband (boyfriend at the time) took me to my first BDSM event to meet one of his life long friends, who was doing a flogging demonstration. We arrived early for the demo so this friend asked if we would like a private rope demo, too. He and my husband then proceeded to tie me to a chair. I’m quite little and can struggle out of nearly any situation, so they had to tie me rather tight. I fell in love with the intricate patterns the rope left behind once removed, and also was intrigued by the inability to move. It added another level of submission, giving up complete control of my movement. We started integrating rope into our diet and never turned back. (Incidentally, this is also the event where I discovered my love of being caned. I was strung up in a bondage glove, bent forward so I was ass out with my head facing down and my arms behind me and hoisted up, tied off to an I-beam while my husband laid a series of hashmarks across the backs of my thighs. No pics from that event, but I will try and draw you a crude picture. Man, that was a great trip!)
What was your best bondage experience?
My best public bondage experience would be the first time my husband and I did suspension at an event. I was a bit nervous (I am terrified of heights and we were using an electronic suspension rig, which is big and frightening) and I had just met a woman with most crystal blue eyes I had ever seen, so we asked her to come along to be calming for me. She stood in front of me just locking eyes with me while my husband and another rigger tied my harnesses and then hoisted me up. The other rigger’s sub then laid naked beneath me while my husband and the rigger whipped me and the blued-eyed woman maintained eye contact the entire time. Her eyes are still seared into my brain as much as the whip on my back.
What is the most creative safeword you have ever used?
Safewords tend to vary with scenes for us so I can use them more subtly and not completely disrupt the scene, but my funniest was when my husband dictated that my safeword for the night would be “recidivism” - a word he knows I cannot pronounce correctly, no matter how hard I try. If he asks for my safeword for the scene and I don’t think of it quickly enough, it will always become “recidivism”.
What do you feel is most important about the experience of bondage?
Keeping connected to your partner. That goes for both Dom and sub. If my husband is in his own head and not paying attention to me and tuned in to what I am experiencing, he could seriously damage me physically. If I have not turned off everything but my husband in my own head, I’m not going to experience the feelings the same. I won’t get into the correct headspace and things meant to please will hurt, at which point we are just wasting time and pissing each other off.
What is the best advice you would give to someone just starting out with BDSM?
Go slow and try everything in its own time. You don’t know what you will like or dislike until you have tried it, so don’t make everything a hard limit. There are things I thought I would love that I actually don’t care for one bit. There are also things I thought I would surely hate that I adore. Who would’ve thought I love being caned but despise feather ticklers? But do make sure there is someone you trust with every bit of your existence acting as your top. Whether you are a top or a bottom, you have to trust the other in your scene. A bottom needs to know the top is not going to do permanent physical or emotional damage and that they know when to pull back or stop, and when to push. A top needs to know that the bottom will communicate their needs and desires and limits clearly and honestly, and a good bottom knows that those limits are going to be constantly tested.
What is your favorite gear, toy or lingerie item from sub-shop.com and why?
I love the nipple presses. Nipple clamps can be a bit too much for me at times and it is usually difficult to adjust pressure. The nipple presses allow my husband to adjust accordingly for my mood and sensitivity at the time. They are also the perfect weight so they provide just the right amount of tug.
What is the one sensual fantasy you haven’t lived out yet that you are excited to try?
As I stated previously, I am a bit of an exhibitionist. While my husband and I have done public scenes at BDSM events regularly, he has never made me come in public. My ultimate fantasy would be stripped naked, tied to a St Andrews cross, beaten to orgasm with a crowd of people watching.
What’s your favorite knock-knock joke?
What is Eskimo ice?
I have no idea, and I am not going to look it up on Google, I’m going to try and reason this one out - bear with me. Eskimo ice sounds like it should be part of an igloo or something inane, but you wouldn’t be asking if it were that simple. So lets think a little dirtier. Is it how Eskimos come? You know, because it’s cold so the bodily fluids freeze on impact? Tie your partner up and throw them out on the snow and come on their chest in a stream of ice, like a furthering of the Seiu Ito works that brought Shibari to the modern world? Or maybe it really is clean and simple and it is some kind of frozen dessert. Like a push-up pop, if those are still a thing. Damn it, now I have to Google it. And I want a push-up pop.
Is there anything else you would like to share with us such as advice, thoughts or more knock-knock jokes? We are all ears and ball gags.
As a bottom, there is nothing worse than cold feet to spoil an otherwise perfectly good scene. I always wear socks. I make them sexy socks when I can, but sometimes I forget and just have to pull on whatever is handy. This leads to some funny looking scenes, but any scene that is able to continue rather than halt and untie to find socks is a good scene! Mind your environment and only make things uncomfortable when you mean to. And for tops, always maintain contact with your bottom. Check in, make sure they feel connected with you. My husband and I have done scenes where he has to keep one hand anywhere on my skin while doing whatever he wants with the other. Those are some of my favorite scenes because it becomes more than just a mental connection but a conscious physical one, too. And when he has carte blanche with just one hand, I am usually in for some really awesome surprises! He also makes sure to keep a hand on me when he knows he is pushing my boundaries. His physical touch serves as a kind of grounding device, reminding me that he would never do actual harm. He knows without saying that anytime we do knife play, he absolutely has to be touching me or I will never ease into the scene enough to make it work. Know your sub, know your top, set clear boundaries and constantly revisit and revise them together, push limits but never break trust. That would be my ultimate advice.
And I will leave you with my favorite joke…
What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
“Huh, we really DO taste like chicken!”