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Ask Autumn: BDSM Role Switching to Shake Things Up

I promise I won't blab!

I'd like to hear from you if you have a question for me! I know when I first began playing in the D&S realm, I had a lot of questions! Ask me your questions from mild to wild - from everyday life to the out-of-the-ordinary. Also, please let me know if it's okay to post your question here so others can provide their feedback to your question and so that others who may have the same question (but may be too shy to ask) can benefit also. If you'd prefer to keep your question private, that's okay too! Some of the questions that I've been given permission to post are below. If you have a good response and would like to share it, please send it to me! If you'd like your advice to remain confidential, please note this in your response. To all of you asking your questions, thank you for your input. I hope this can be an open, honest forum providing good, sound advice based on real life experience bondage and fetish issues for those less experienced and curious, beginning bondsters.

C'mon, don't be shy - ask away! Still shy? Go to www.hotmail.com, excite, or one of many others email providers to get your own free anonymous mailbox that I and others can respond to. (See how easy this is?) Then come right back and find out what you want to know. (Please!)

Your bondage questions don't have to be posted here. Ask away and I'll try to get to them as quickly as possible! I won't let your secrets slip!

 

Do you have bondage or fetish questions for Autumn? Of course you do! *g*

Please send them to Autumn@sub-shop.com.

Hello Autumn,

I was introduced to your website today by my D. It's funny browsing your site because the things you've written about your personal feelings... they could have been something I've thought, felt, or said myself. And your Master's could have come from my D, or so he tells me. We are relatively new to this D/s, although we've each known for a long while, separately, what we've needed and wanted but have never had the ability to take it where we wanted with our former partners. *deep sigh* And now we have each other and like you, find complete happiness and satisfaction in our lives because of the things we are able to express and give through sexual bondage. I've never been one to give control to someone else in any realm of my life (being an Aries) but I have found that with him all I want is his domination and love.

So my question is this, to your Master: Does there come a time when you don't want to be the one “giving” all the time? I read your response to the woman whose husband does not seem to be as into D/s as much as she was, or more to the point, his heart was not in it. I understand what was asked and what you said in reply... that Autumn gives back to you in your daily life the “balance” of what you give to her in your dominance and loving care. I suppose I am concerned about how, by not being the one “doing” the dominant thing or by just “allowing” what he wants to happen happen, that he will feel like I'm putting the onus on him.

Perhaps I need a lesson or two on how to be a better sub; I don't know, but I do know that his happiness is paramount in my life and the last thing I want to do is to make it seem like I have no desire to give back to him what he gives to me, sexually. I know you say communication is very important in what we do in a healthy D/s relationship; he has read this email I am sending now and we will talk about it later, I know. But being new to this, I don't know if he could answer what I want to specifically know here. Here's hoping you can.

R F

Hi,

The D/s aspect is such that the Master enjoys the control and rewards as much as the sub enjoys relinquishing. In different relationships, this means different things and in varying amounts (and that's what you have to discuss between yourselves). If you enjoy being tied and he enjoys tying you, then that's a win/win... sounds good. If you enjoy light bondage and he enjoys more strict bondage, then that's where you have a give and take. You can allow yourself to be tied tighter to please him and he will realize that this is you giving of yourself to please him (he will if you've discussed it, anyways...) and will give more to you in an area where you've expressed interest (emotionally, or whatever you two agree on).

It may sound crass at first, but it's somewhat like having a pet. (Many subs have a pet name of "pet", such as in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but I digress.) Pets require effort, but that doesn't mean it's hard effort, bad effort, or even much effort at all sometimes. The payoff is in the love, trust, and fulfillment you receive in return. For Autumn and me, I appreciate her submission in many ways. She's a strong person and chooses to submit her will to me. I enjoy being the strong figure she desires and all the perks that come along with it. It's not easy being the head of a family or a corporation, but I enjoy the benefits of those titles. For men it's often about feeling needed and being a "good man" in the old-fashioned sense. (Examples are: taking care of your wife and family, doing yard work, knowing machine things - man things. *g*)

Talk, talk, talk. Only you know what you really want in return for your submission and only he knows what he really wants in return for his domination of you. Maybe all he really wants is to have fun, make you feel happy, content and safe... that's basically what I want and what everything eventually boils down to in the end - warm fuzzies. *g*

I could really use a bit of advice... My husband and I have been together for quite some time (over 7 years) and we seem to have hit a brick wall. We both love Dom/sub sex, but we both are also suited to specific roles, it seems. His entire personality is very Dom, while I am a complete sub (not that I mind this by any means *g*). The problem is that he has expressed to me his need to be dominated as well, and I'm not quite sure how to go about that! I mean, I know what I like, and I'm sure he would love to have everything he does to me done to him, but it's terribly difficult for me to assume a Dom persona. Could you perhaps give me some pointers or tips on how to ease into a Dom role? I very much wish to please my husband, and satisfy his needs as well as my own. I figured I would turn to you for advice since we have often used your site for purchases (WONDERFUL service, by the way! Please, don't ever stop. Definite long term customers on this end *g*). Your open, honest site is one of the few places I trust to find some advice. Thank you both for your time!

Hi,

Thank you for your nice comments on our site. :) The Dom/sub persona is a difficult one to switch (literally) when you're entrenched in your role, and particularly when you're happy without a change. If you are interested in giving back, the best way is to simply play it by ear. Since you're already familiar with what he's doing in a dominant role, just try to reverse that and do some of the things he does. That would be the easiest place to start.

Discussion would be a logical step to find out what your respective comfort levels are. Don't over-discuss or you might find yourselves in an uncomfortable situation. As most women will tell you, it's sometimes better to "just do it" than talk about it since that's where a lot of butterflies come from. Communication is key in D/s, so perhaps he could "top from below" (where the sub gives directions as to what to do) to give you some hints and pointers.

Other than that, I would suggest reading some female Domme erotica or other writings to help you along your way. Talk freely about what you're each comfortable with. Go slow and make sure you enjoy what you're doing, otherwise you may find that someone comes out feeling uncomfortable with the new arrangement.

 

 

 

C'mon - go ahead and send me your own questions! I may not be a world class therapist, but I am your BDSM friend who cares! Besides, the question you might be afraid to ask might be the same issue that someone else is dealing with who is also afraid to ask. So just do it!

I promise not to bite... Unless you want me to!

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