Please tell us a little bit about yourself – How would you describe your everyday vanilla life?
Sure! Let’s chat! In my every-day, I stay relatively busy and I stay relatively boring. I telecommute and work exclusively for a few small companies. Most of my time is spent staring at a computer screen doing some very, very boring tasks that pay the bills and give me some pocket cash for online shopping. It is most excellent being able to work with slippers on just a few feet from my kitchen where I can make my cup of coffee precisely how I like it. Having no annoying co-workers is pretty awesome as well. I did my time in a corporate environment. Honestly I’d never go back. I was not born to be a cubicle dweller. You’ve got to be pretty driven to work this way, but the perks are worth it.
How you best describe yourself and why? Your choices are: Dominant, Submissive, Switch or Fuzzy Rainbow Unicorn.
For me, realizing I was a submissive at heart came around some time ago. I’m a big, strong, attractive guy. I’m physically fit, have been training in both armed and unarmed self-defense and close quarters combat for most of my adult life. That internal desire for submission was a closely guarded secret for me for a very long time - probably since my later years of high school (I’m in my 40s, so that was quite a time ago).
At first it was probably like most people. “I am feeling this feeling, and I’m not sure if it’s something I should be okay with, or feel shame toward.” The idea of a dominant partner was far more scintillating than the idea of being dominant over my partner. So I went through many periods of self-loathing. “What is wrong with me,” or “Why do I feel this way,” became common internal arguments. My guy friends were mostly puffed-up types which made it all the more awkward hearing them talk about their relationships in a way that I found absolutely opposite to what I desired. It’s very difficult living with a part of yourself that you feel would be better stifled than nurtured. Acceptance, particularly when you’re looking in a mirror, is quite difficult. We make habits of staring at ourselves wishing our butt wasn’t as big, our bodies could be different, our hair could be nicer, etc. Falling in love is easy; loving yourself can be damn hard.
Questioning your own thoughts and desires just plain sucks. Eventually I got a little older, a little wiser, and realized that yes, I must keep my vanilla-life as it appears, but I can work very hard and learn to accept myself personally. And I don’t have to be a private person because there is something wrong with ME, I must be private because other people can’t handle it. That’s a VERY empowering realization – figuring out that you’re the awesome one, and all of your potentially highly judgmental friends couldn’t handle your awesomeness.
When did you first realize you were into bondage?
A little while after realizing that I am a sub at heart. As a submissive, the mental aspect of being attracted to BDSM far outweighs the physical sensation of it. Some people are very tactile – they like textures and feelings – of restraint, of pain, etc. I am very cerebral. Tie me up and I’ll enjoy it, DON’T tie me up but tell me I’ve no choice but to do everything you say, and I’ll LOVE it. Tell me I’ve been bad and you need to paddle me, that’s okay I guess. Tell me you love me and you need to work out your daily stress on me and that you’re proud of me for being so strong as to handle it – I. Will. Swoon!
So it’s the marriage of BDSM play with the mental aspect of D/s that really scratches that itch for me. (And it is QUITE the itch!) That only came after realizing that my personality is what it is.
Do you feel that your desire for bondage is more physical or emotional? (please elaborate)
I feel like it is deeply and totally immersed in emotion. For some submissives, feeling restraint against struggle is the firm reality-based confirmation they need to scratch that itch. It’s the physical proof of submission. It’s reality, and there’s no doubt. For me, I’m so VERY cerebral about it with such an overactive imagination that I am much more turned on by a simple command to kneel and the snap of my Lover’s fingers.
My restraints are Her commands, I suppose. It’s the act of submission that drives my brain in this way. It’s not just something I like or enjoy, it is a deep seated psychological need that took a long time to be okay with. Toys and devices enhance it to be sure, but it’s not the driving factor or primary focus.
I firmly believe that to be a submissive – particularly as a male in a very masculine society – it takes a person of incredible personal strength, confidence, and psychological fortitude. To let go and surrender everything to your partner you have to be incredibly trusting and patient. So to all my fellow subs out there, you have my complete and total respect. You may get tied up, whipped, degraded or dragged around your bedroom by a leash (wouldn’t that be a great afternoon!). Your Dom may tease you about having small equipment, string you up in the basement for a few hours for no reason, and smack your backside until it’s purple, but you and I both know you have the BIGGEST of hearts, and deep down you’re as rock solid as a stone mountain. You go!
What does BDSM mean to you: is it a lifestyle, a diversion, or something else?
It’s a lifestyle, but it’s more complicated than that. I’m the male half of a D/s couple. We are doing our best to develop ourselves into a comfy FLR through much trial and error, but always with love. I’m also a cuckold. So all of these things mashed up together make for one hell of a unique daily life. If you would’ve told me what my day would be like just 5 years ago, I wouldn’t have believed it. Feed the dog. Get the kids ready for school. Put on the chastity cage. Do my chores. Get work done. Surf websites looking for a well-hung sex partner for my Queen. Get dinner ready. Greet my Queen when she comes home. Have dinner. Get flogged (maybe). Provide orgasms (hopefully) and go to bed. To any vanilla outsider, that’s batshit crazy. For us, it’s amazing! :)
Ultimately though, BDSM takes a back seat to our vanilla reality. It’s fun, and it nourishes our inner desires, but not at the expense of the foundation of our relationship, our day to day goings-on, and our earthly responsibilities like bills, a stocked fridge, and the downtime of a weekend of Netflix and chill. The type of bondage play you see with such prevalence in porn – decked out basement dungeons complete with caves and cages – that stuff exists and it’s incredible, but for my life it could never be an actual reality. My partner and I fit it all in where we can, without interrupting the smooth operation of our day to day.
Were lovers accepting of your interest in bondage?
As if I haven’t written a book already, that experience would DEFINITELY be a book! In short, no. I have the divorces to prove it. Suffice it to say that it’s hard to live with someone that would be judgmental over a deep-seated need and secret that you have. You need the right partner in order to open up, otherwise there’s a lot of tension, and possibly a lot of resentment that’s going to be built up.
Please briefly describe your first bondage experience.
I tied my girlfriend at the time to the bedposts and she wanted me to have my way with her. I was lost and confused by the whole ordeal. It was awful, ended in a disastrous evening. I didn’t realize it at the time (instead just diving into a spiral of despair and self-loathing at being ‘non-manly’), but it didn’t work because that’s just not who I am.
What was your best bondage experience?
Well, we are pretty happy with chastity play. Me, because of the mental stimulation of being denied (psychologically complicated but who cares I love it!) and her because of a love of teasing. My Queen is a very physical person while I’m a very mental person when it comes to turn-ons and pleasure, so this works for both of us very well. Any time we can focus on some chastity play is wonderful. It’s especially lovely around friends or family because we have those knowing little winks and glances at the secret of that lock being on. It’s incredibly fun, and it brings us closer.
For me though, my favorite experience was when we took a quick getaway to a major city for some shopping and good food. With a million people walking around this metropolis before we leave the hotel she says, “Put on the panties. Put on the thigh highs, then put on your jeans.” I just love to obey. She likes pushing me and gets a thrill from my inability to say no. I pick this particular moment but there are dozens like them, it wasn’t any more or less remarkable than the others.
To be able to experience that with someone whom I love with all my heart, trust completely, and is my partner for life – I feel like the luckiest man alive. I realize that’s probably incredibly mild compared to most people’s intense BDSM experiences, but for me the fact that its natural and common is WHY it’s so very incredible. Never take for granted the small things that give you joy on a frequent basis.
What is the most creative safeword you have ever used?
Well, we’re not all that original. I’d love to joke around and say it was something insane like, “FLUFFERNUTTER” or “HAN SHOT FIRST”, but we usually have something much more mundane and unremarkable. Is it bad that I can barely remember it? Hmm. I should get on that …
What do you feel is most important about the experience of bondage?
It’s a personal journey. It’s the experience of letting go and trusting someone else to be on that path with you. Self-discovery.
What is the best advice you would give to someone just starting out with BDSM?
I think, “Relax.” Be yourself. Take a strong personal inventory of the things you like and dislike, and be incredibly honest with who’s looking back in the mirror. If you try to be what you think you SHOULD be, or what someone else WANTS you to be, you’re doing it wrong. You have to accept who you are, what you like, and what you want, and then open up to your partner about it. Hopefully you’re in a loving and amazing relationship, and you’ll find that you have someone that can accept you, not judge, and let the experimentation happen. We’re all humans, and life is short, don’t spend another moment doubting who you are or thinking you’re a freak for it.
What is your favorite gear, toy or lingerie item from sub-shop.com and why?
We’ve picked up a few awesome things from sub-shop. I picked up a great chastity cage – one of the few that ever had a comfortable fit for me and one that we’ve gotten plenty of locked-up time from (it’s in the attached picture). Ordering anything from sub-shop is a treat, I love getting a handwritten thank you note and a little piece of candy. It sets you aside as a company that really and truly cares about your clientele and that extra mile builds a lot of loyalty from us. I go to you first when I’m looking for a new toy or sexy gift.
What is the one sensual fantasy you haven’t lived out yet that you are excited to try?
That’s a real tough question! Without getting too specific what entices me the most is pushing my boundaries. Exploring submission on deeper and deeper levels, breaking through those barriers of guilt, shame, or shyness and letting go. It’s the most freeing feeling in the world, and it’s quite addictive. Like I said, I’m very cerebral about it all! :)
What’s your favorite knock-knock joke?
I firmly believe “The Interrupting Cow” is the best knock-knock joke ever conceived.
“The Interrupting Slap In The Face” is a close second; just don’t do that ne to kids. For obvious reasons.
Is there anything else you would like to share with us such as advice, thoughts or more knock-knock jokes? We are all ears and ball gags.
No, just thank you for the experience of putting some thoughts down for you. Feel free to share my kik name with your readers. If anyone out there has a question or wants some advice, wants to say hi or comment on anything I wrote for you or just wants to chat with a normal, friendly guy who has embraced his kinks, they can kik me at Queenskeepr or find me on Fetlife by the same name.