The Power of Overcoming Silence and Shame

Do you know what powers shame? It is silence. Shame thrives in an environment where things remain unspoken. Shame grows when judgment surrounds the proper expression of it. Shame hides behind the veil of secrecy hoping that maybe through time, it would be eventually forgotten and all will be well. But the truth is that, shame will never go away unless you face and deal with it head on.

What is shame anyway?

Shame is an intense feeling of unworthiness. It is when one feels he or she doesn’t belong anywhere. The “unworthy” feeling comes from what you think people think of you. It is you looking at yourself from the perspective of others. To a degree, guilt is a relatively better feeling than shame. While shame encourages negative self talk such as “I don’t deserve to be here”, or “I’ll never show my face here ever again.”, or “I am a bad and lousy human being”, guilt is when one says, “I hurt someone so bad”, “I can’t forgive myself”. Guilt is concerned with how they made others feel, but shame is concerned on how others feel about them.

Shame is motivated by something external such as how people think and feel about you, and how much of their judgment affects how you judge yourself. Guilt comes from something internal and is primarily concerned with your perception of how much others have been negatively affected by your thoughts or deeds.

Shame is powerful in its ability to destroy one’s esteem. It can cause emotional havoc. It is like having a tape recorder in your brain repeating the same self-destructive phrases such as “No one in their right mind will love you!”, or “You are a failure”. It is focused on the self. It is as if the self is bullying the self.

Sadly, everyone has felt shame at one point in their lives, even me! No one is immune to it. It doesn’t matter if you’re wealthy, in poverty, thin or chubby, etc. Shame has the unfortunate ability to shut someone’s esteem down and restrict his or her movement and thought process. The worst kind of shame is when one engages in substance abuse, or is depressed, bullied or is the bully, and uses these as ways to deal with their shame. They use anything and everything that could make them bury the feeling of shame. How can shame and the silence surrounding it be overcome?

Express your shame

Every time shame is hush-hushed, it gets stronger and stronger and stronger. But once shame is talked about and brought to light, it loses its grip. It weakens to a degree. It is us that gains power. Once we name the shame, it slowly shrivels until it disappears – but only until we gain the courage to speak out about it. Primarily, fear is the driving force that causes one to be crippled by shame. It is the fear of what others will think, and what we feel based on people’s perception of us, is what encourages shame to fester.

Being aware of your shame every time it comes up is an opportunity for you to deal with it, and see it for what it is. You can describe your shame and face it head on. If you do not feel like talking, feel free to write it all out. The point is for shame to loosen its grip off of you. Naming shame is a way to shame shame away. You can also ask the help of someone you trust who will listen to you share your shame. It would be best if this person is not judgmental of you or your thoughts and actions. Having a trusted witness to our shame is also one way to help keep it at bay.

You are not your shame

Many have the mistaken notion that they are what they do. Their work is a part of their identity. Therefore when one fails at work, they interpret themselves as similarly a failure. Connecting this with shame, when one fails at some aspect in their work, they personalise this failure and shame themselves for it. But we are not what we do. Our self-worth comes not from our identity but from how we are as a human. Being human involves numerous aspects, not just work, our failure, our success, etc. Feeling shame is focusing on the negative part when there are a multitude of other parts waiting to be similarly seen and appreciated. Focus on the good, see the bad for what it is, and keep on keeping on.

Know your triggers

Shame has the uncanny ability to hit the parts of ourselves that hurt the most. Fear rears its ugly head at the right moment when we don’t want it to. Add in our own personal insecurity and we now have a cocktail of circumstances that further brings our shame onto the surface. How can we deal with such painful moments? Know the triggers of your shame and insecurities. If you feel shame slowly arriving, see the context prior to it coming. What were you thinking? What were you feeling? Were you insecure about something? Answer your questions truthfully. Once you do, only then can you fight away shame.

Essentially, shame is borne out of fear. Fear of people’s perceptions, fear of not living up to expectations, fear of failing, fear of being thought of as a failure, are some of the reasons some people feel shame. Face your fears and see your shame disappear. Admittedly, the process of dealing with fear is not easy, but you can at least try. Trying is one way of telling fear you are bigger than it thus causing shame to scamper hurriedly away.