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Ask Autumn: How to Feel Loved, Not Used When Playing

I promise I won't blab!

I'd like to hear from you if you have a question for me! I know when I first began playing in the D&S realm, I had a lot of questions! Ask me your questions from mild to wild - from everyday life to the out-of-the-ordinary. Also, please let me know if it's okay to post your question here so others can provide their feedback to your question and so that others who may have the same question (but may be too shy to ask) can benefit also. If you'd prefer to keep your question private, that's okay too! Some of the questions that I've been given permission to post are below. If you have a good response and would like to share it, please send it to me! If you'd like your advice to remain confidential, please note this in your response. To all of you asking your questions, thank you for your input. I hope this can be an open, honest forum providing good, sound advice based on real life experience bondage and fetish issues for those less experienced and curious, beginning bondsters.

C'mon, don't be shy - ask away! Still shy? Go to www.hotmail.com, excite, or one of many others email providers to get your own free anonymous mailbox that I and others can respond to. (See how easy this is?) Then come right back and find out what you want to know. (Please!)

Your bondage questions don't have to be posted here. Ask away and I'll try to get to them as quickly as possible! I won't let your secrets slip!


Do you have bondage or fetish questions for Autumn? Of course you do! *g*

Please send them to Autumn@sub-shop.com.



Dear Autumn,

I am very sorry to bother you, but I don't really know who else to ask and I know from your site that you've answered advice questions before. *sigh*

My question is: what do you do when it goes wrong while you're playing??? (I know that you've probably never had this question – from what you say about him, your husband seems to be very romantic.)

(Nothing like needing to divulge the embarrassing intimate details of your life to someone whom you've never met, huh? It's probably good that I've never met you because I don't think that I could discuss this and actually look anyone in the face.)

I know that he loves me and would never deliberately hurt me. Last night started out very nicely, with all the tender touches that I craved while I was getting tied up, but somehow after that it went wrong... I felt more like an object than someone that he loved and treasured (since he grabbed my ankle and dragged me over) and it just sort of deteriorated from there :( I know technically that's the point that I should have used the safeword. But at that point I had that ball gag in my mouth and as you pointed out, Autumn, it's very good at muffling noises. I think that he thought that I was mewing with pleasure when in fact it was the “sitting in the dentist's chair while he's drilling on a sensitive tooth and the Novocaine isn't kicking in” mewing.

I know that I have to discuss this with him (I mean, I'm not that stupid), but I don't know how because I know that it will hurt him to know that I didn't enjoy it and that he did something that made me feel bad. (Yeah, technically I know that no one can make you feel bad without your complicity. But I hope that you will understand what I am trying to say. I'm not trying to shirk my responsibilities.)

I know that I'm rambling here, but I don't know how to explain it. I know without a doubt that he loves me but how do I explain to him that when I need to hear it most is when we're playing? (I would literally die and do anything for him if he did some of the things that you write about your husband is doing.) (Nothing like the embarrassment of having to ask for help after you've done something very stupid :( )

The Lost Kitten


Hi Kitten,

In fact, things do go wrong occasionally. It's a fact of life that nothing is ever seamless or perfect, especially when you're trying something new. Being romantic has nothing to do with it – everybody makes mistakes.

If he were the one tied up and you hurt him accidentally, you'd want to know about it and how to make sure it didn't happen again. The main thing is to remember that it's not intentional, according to what you've told me. In the heat of the moment, sometimes things get overly rough (or just too soon) and it's a question of stopping or slowing down at that moment. Your safeword or safe gesture is very important here. (I'm not saying that this is your fault by any means, btw – it's the Dom's responsibility to make sure that their sub is safe at all times.)

You mention you were gagged, but perhaps there's a safe "noise" you can make. Master can understand a lot of my gag talk, even muffled as it is. You might try telling him your safeword while gagged. It may not sound exactly like the word, but it will sound enough like it when he's heard it before. You can either practice specifically or mention it so that he asks you for your safeword the next time he gags you. (It's a Dom thing too, making you speak on his command, so it shouldn't be a problem. Tell him to make you tell him your safeword the next time you're gagged. ;))

When I'm wearing a gag that I simply can't make a sound in... or where it might get confused with other such noises I might happen to be making at the time... I have a hand signal where I snap my fingers. You'd have to be tied pretty good not to be able to snap your fingers *g*, but otherwise, find another signal. A bell to ring, whatever.

The best time to talk about it is immediately afterward. In this case, just tell him you want to talk about it in whatever way you feel is best – while you're cuddling, watching a video, or whatever. Just bring it up in a non-threatening manner (not as a terse "we need to talk") and things will go just fine. He wants to make sure you're safe and enjoying yourself so he will enjoy himself too.

You mentioned that if he were to do some of the things I write about that you'd do anything to him. (We do these things because we talked to each other about them – sometimes in the heat of the moment since it is hard to talk about.) Have you mentioned you'd like those things? Mix that in as something you'd rather he did when you're tied and it will be exciting for both of you rather than a “you did something wrong” talk. Plus the "anything" will probably pique his interest and you'll probably find out a lot about him. *g* It's a journey that you share together in finding out about each other and what makes you both tick, and you'll always learn something new and fun. :) Try having a talk when nothing is wrong – it will keep things from going wrong and you'll both get what you want more often. For example, maybe you'd like your hair pulled, but not there! *g*

He's not a mind reader, so your best bet is to show him. The same with everything else. You'll have to lose some inhibitions, but WOW! The doors it opens is worth the butterflies and embarrassing feelings you have to begin with. Besides – here's a secret – men like to know what turns you on. You both win!

Remember that these things happen to everyone, you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs and so forth. The important thing is communication and you already know that. So go ahead and have at it!

Good luck and keep having fun!


Hi Autumn, a comment for “Lost Kitten”. The one that was gagged when the scene went wrong.

If i am gagged He puts a silk scarf through both of my hands. If i drop the left side, it's yellow, which means “back off or change what you're doing”. The right side is red, which means “stop, W/we're done”! If a scene is not working, your mind usually is. (Plus, the scarf looks and feels sexy in my hands.)

i have a hard time discussing some things with my Master as well and have found it easier to write what i want to do or if something didn't work to well for me, then sending it to Him in an email or writing about it in my journal. 99% of the time He will either bring it up for discussion or write me back. If it is something i wanted to try, but was too embarrassed to tell Him face to face... It will be on His agenda for the next scene.:) Lucky me!

Hope this helps...



C'mon - go ahead and send me your own questions! I may not be a world class therapist, but I am your BDSM friend who cares! Besides, the question you might be afraid to ask might be the same issue that someone else is dealing with who is also afraid to ask. So just do it!

I promise not to bite... Unless you want me to!

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