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Submissive Sexuality Does Not Mean You are Weak

Being submissive requires a lot of strength. Do not think that because one is voluntarily relinquishing his or her freedom means they have given up on thinking or feeling for themselves. Contrary to popular belief, submissiveness carries inherent power. Though honestly, I did not think this was the case years before.

Like you, I had a vague if not uninformed notion on what being submissive is. I thought submissiveness was part of a dynamic present in a BDSM relationship, not something accessible for me. “Why would you want to be a submissive anyway”, I thought. I couldn’t comprehend how I could derive pleasure from being treated like a toy. Oh how wrong I was.

Though submissiveness seemed, to me, to be a relinquishing of ones' power (not in a good way), I was open to how others defined it. I talked to some friends who enjoy their role as submissive in the bedroom, and they encouraged me to engage in experimentation. They made a good point: how can I understand something if I’ve never tried it? Eventually, I discovered that being submissive was not bad at all. It was actually a very powerful position to be. How?

I am in control when I am a submissive

People who love being in control are actually closeted submissives. Though this statement sounds a tad ridiculous, it actually makes a lot of sense. Imagine if you’re a control freak. You control everything you do the entire day of your entire life. From breakfast, to dinner, until bedtime, you keep everything in strict order according to your standards. Clearly, you need a break. Being submissive allows you to give up control - for a change. Letting go of being in control is the best feeling in the world. Submissives hold power because we are the ones who build the boundaries in the relationship.

Submissives know thyself

Submissives are aware of their full sexual selves. This self-awareness is evidence that a person is whole. It is a person who has accepted anything and everything about themselves. Those who still look down on people who engage in a BDSM relationship, and are judgmental of submissives, clearly have no idea what being a full human is. Submissives have fully accepted all aspects of the sexual experience. They know they have no right to think highly of themselves or to think lowly of others for not liking the same things they like.

Submissives make their own choices

Submissiveness is a choice. If people prefer to be submissive, it is because they believe being one is beneficial to their sexual lives. Submissives have the ability to create intimacy. It is a special kind of bond which people who are in a non-BDSM relationship might have no idea of. I’m not saying that those who are in vanilla relationships are not intimate. All I’m saying is that being in a sub-dom relationship gives one a feeling of empowerment and strength – both of which are crucial ingredients for a decent partnership.

Submissives require and give trust

Being able to elicit someone’s trust, and being able to give implicit trust is what submissives do. To be able to have trust demands one to be vulnerable, honest, and open. Submissives do all these automatically and effortlessly. Consequently, my dom sees the need to not betray my trust. However, being a submissive does not equal to being a doormat. If the trust I gave is being betrayed, I exit. Being a submissive does not mean being tied up all the time – literally and figuratively. It does not mean saying yes all the time, when you actually mean no. Submissives know when to say yes, and when to say no. They know the boundaries of what they are and aren’t capable of. They also make sure their partner knows these boundaries and that these must not be crossed without the sub’s approval.

Submitting is caring

A sub sees to it that his or her needs are met. Being dominated is not only about following orders. A sub-dom relationship is not a one-sided relationship. It is about mutual loving, caring, and meeting each other’s needs. Trusting requires being sexually connected and agreeing to, as well as accepting, each other’s kinks. A dom cares whether the subis enjoying the experience, and vice versa.

Submitting is a form of thrill-seeking

Being a sub is by no means a license to think that someone is inferior. For me, submitting is similar to a game where I love the thrill of finding out what kinky thing will happen next. The endorphin rush of not knowing and pleasurably finding out,is what being a sub is all about. Enjoying the experience and the sensations that go along with it makes the entire process definitely worth it.

Submitting is connecting

Couples who trust each other,connect better. A dom and a sub have early on established a type of connection that allows both to share a specific fetish that they enjoy. A sub makes its known how he or she is loving or disliking the experience. Constantly checking in how much one likes what the other is doing is the epitome of connection. If a sub is into receiving pain, the dom makes sure it is the kind of pain that isn’t too rough or hard, it has to be just right. This is not possible if a solid connection does not exist between a couple.

All in all, submission need not be interpreted as a form of punishment or sacrifice. It is an act freely done by choice. It does not require for one to be belittled or minimized as a person. It also does not mean that it is solely done under threat of an authoritarian relationship dynamic. Genuine submission allows the sub to express his or herself. A sub’s partner gives as much as he or she receives support. It is mutual respect. It is mutual pleasure. It is a mutually agreed upon kink that is titillating as much as it is empowering and sexually energizing. More importantly, it solidifies a relationship.

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